Greetings all,
I wanted to let you know that I will be blogging through my website on Square Space from here on out. You can catch my blogs at my website at http://www.inrelationships.com and follow my blogs there or with an RSS.
How does your brain work when you experience stress? At certain levels of stress, you may actually feel more creative and artful in your approach to problems but there is a point at which you may feel confused, lethargic, overwhelmed and perhaps resentful when you feel like too much is being expected of you.
A stressed out or overwhelmed individual will become more simplistic or black-and-white in his or her thinking. This has been demonstrated in numerous studies and is perhaps most clearly seen in corporate decision-making where very smart, insightful people become less creative, and ignore critical information when overwhelmed. Black-or-white thinking means that people will see only two options in most situations, and can then become very wedded to one or the other option. People are often confused when in this impaired state, they see only these two possible answers to a given problem, and cannot fathom why their partner cannot see the obvious “right” solution. The partners cannot agree, but also cannot break the problem down into smaller categories and explore possible “grey-area” options. As the tension rises they are likely to dig in their heels with each other and feel less and less like they are working as a team. This feels like a betrayal. The pain of perceived betrayal in turn increases the tension and the rigidity in thinking.
Under stressful conditions, we tend to ignore data that does not correspond with our initial reaction. The simplistic brain tends to gather data which supports its initial assumptions. We certainly see this in politics. Simplistic mottos and rants take the place of dialogue and discussion. Loud criticisms of those in the opposing party, patriotic sounding diatribes, appeals to religious beliefs, attacks on the evil of taxes, the supposed damage done when trying to provide health care to the population, all may hold currency with an anxious and stressed population. However, these have proven to offer no opportunity for negotiation and accomplishment. Instead, they have gridlocked and threatened the stability of the nation. A very similar process occurs between stressed out spouses.
In situations where there is a feared loss, people tend to override all other considerations, including positive opportunities as they focus on that feared event. A person who is anxious about losing their job will, for example not be comforted by the idea, or even believe that, there are other better jobs available. They will tend to only be annoyed by such suggestions and may fail to take advantage of a great opportunity until they have somehow managed the anxiety. Similarly in couples where there is some feared loss or injury, an individual may not even be able to hear reassurance or hopeful comments from the partner.
Consider Bill and Cindy. Cindy complains that Bill is gone more than he is home and that he places work far above her and the children in terms of priorities. She describes him as having a “high old time” with his business associates and golf buddies, while she has to manage the home. He describes being on the road, with long meetings, hotel rooms and constant pressure and nothing to look forward to at home but more nagging. They then argue over who works harder and has the greater pressure. They are fighting over which of them is a good partner. This, however, prevents them from really hearing of each other’s sense of feeling overwhelmed and lonely. If they could talk about the need to have valuable time together at the end of business trips and if Bill could hear Cindy’s needs without merely hearing her as criticizing him personally they might have a chance at a real discussion. In turn, if Cindy felt like Bill was hearing her she could lower her voice and perhaps be less strident. When they move away from the black-or-white positions of her being a nag and him being uncaring, they have a greater chance of a positive, partnering discussion. Such discussions make improved intimacy more likely as well.
Partners must first recognize that these anxious reactions, these simplistic or highly personalized views of problems, are normal in stressful times. They are linked to impaired thinking, not to any lack of caring or appreciation for the partner. When you are feeling most aroused, defensive and needing to win, you should realize that you are not able to think at your best. In calming yourself and rejoining your partner, there is no guarantee that you will come up with the perfect solution. However, if your primary goal is a supportive partnership with increased opportunities for affection and closeness, you have a much better chance of that with expanded options and cooperative teamwork. For your sake, I hope that this is indeed your primary goal. The added benefit is that, with this more cooperative, positive and smarter stance, the odds are much greater that you will arrive at a positive solution that works for both of you.
Many couples struggle with the question of whether marriage therapy is worthwhile. This question about the finances and time, also reflect the ambivalence they feel about improving their relationship. Most partners are unsure whether they can change or not and whether there are possible negative consequences to trying. When beginning therapy, one of the partners will often challenge whether therapy is really worth the time and money invested.
My answer would be “Yes and No.” Allow me to clarify.
I want to specifically address the financial costs in this blog, because these days, we must all watch our spending closely. Most of us must carefully consider what any investment is meant to yield. The average cost, of out-of-pocket payment, marital therapy with me is usually between $1500 and $2000, depending on the presenting issues and goals. Is it worth that price to you? Some would say that, compared to the enormous physical, financial and emotional toll of divorce, or compared to living in misery, this is cheap.
I take a different view of this. It’s never enough, in my view, to simply avoid divorce. Neither is it nearly enough to just try to end frequent fighting. Although merely reducing the fighting would at least make life a little easier for the two of you and your children, for a while, but it’s simply not enough!
If your goal were simply to stay together and negotiate a kind of truce in your marriage, then I would suggest therapy is not worth the cost. Such an agreement just to stop doing further harm might be a good idea for a period of time, but such agreements are not very fulfilling and they don’t last. There are many books which might help with this kind of contract to be nicer to each other or a life coach might be able to help you with this negotiation. This agreement, however, will not be very satisfying and is likely to fail.
But perhaps you can imagine a more fulfilling goal, such as coming home to a partner who is truly glad to see you, sharing time with someone who values you and your efforts and with whom you create a sanctuary from the many “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” If you would like to experience increased playfulness in your day-to-day experiences and greater joy in physical intimacy and sex and if you can imagine the pride and pleasure of building a true partnership and romance with the most important person in your life, then it would seem to me that the price of therapy is an incredible bargain.
Now if you can honestly answer that the above paragraph summarizes your goals, then I would suggest that you find a therapist who specializes in the complex art/science of relationship/marriage therapy and get to work. I can tell you that the most common responses I have seen in my work are relief and regret. Relief that the couple could get back on track with each other and regret that they had wasted so much time, energy and money pursuing frustrating battles and joyless escapes for so long. These people discovered the joy of reigniting connection and passion. They feel younger and more alive as they are adding to or rebuilding a healthy relationship.
Clearly, there are no guarantees in therapy. However, you will find that early in the evaluation process, you will have some idea whether you have a good connection and working relationship with the therapist. Shortly after that you will already be noticing improvement and feeling more hopeful. If not, you need to reevaluate whether the therapist or the current process is right for you. In order to safeguard that you are truly investing appropriately, pay attention to this. If you are not feeling like things are moving, let your therapist know this and seek corrective action. It may be that this means simply changing directions a bit and revisiting your goals or you may need a different therapist and your current therapist can help with that transition.
This could easily be the most important transition in your life, one which holds implications for how well you will live for years to come. It is not to be taken lightly and should be seen as an important investment in your future. This goal then is well worth the time, money and effort because it likely means a better, longer and more fulfilling life.
What is the most frequent error in pursuing couples therapy? I believe it is the tendency to spread out sessions. This may be to save money, or to spread out the impact on busy schedules, or because the therapist has limited availability. In any case, it is my experience that this usually greatly damages the effectiveness of the work and therefore endangers your relationship.
If I had to choose between meeting with a couple for ten sessions, in short intervals or 30 sessions, spread further out, I would almost always recommend the ten sessions at least weekly. This is very important, so please pay attention.
Relationship therapy is not about just being nicer to each other. Neither is it about having a counselor/mediator walk you through each possible fight in order to find better solutions. Either of these will be ineffective. Things also don’t generally improve through one of the partners thinking deeply about the relationship and coming to some eureka moment.
Relationship work should instead facilitate the two of you changing your brains. Sound huge? It is, and yet it is fairly simple and straightforward. You need to override primitive ways of defending yourselves in order to allow your best thinking to occur. Face it, aren’t you usually able to treat total strangers with greater kindness than you show to those closest to you? That isn’t because you don’t care. It’s because they are too close and too important to you and arouse more anxiety in you than any stranger ever could.
Therapy is about changing patterns and breaking through old destructive rituals, rituals in which you fight in ways that you absolutely know will never get you what you want or need. This repair occurs through carefully structuring a new set of responses to one another and then practicing them over and over. It means building trust through this practice so that as you see your own skills grow, you see your partner trying to respond differently as well.
In this process, spreading out the sessions, allows more time for errors and sliding back into old behaviors. In this pattern, even small errors will feel like defeats or betrayals. After a longer gap, partners will often say, “look, things were going much better and then he did the same thing he always does and I just felt like giving up.” You might think of this very much like physical therapy. If, after an injury, you don’t follow up with the prescribed physical therapy sessions or only go every now and then, your muscles will not improve in the way they would have, had you gone regularly.
In past blogs, I have provided information about choosing a marriage/relationship therapist. I have suggested finding someone who has been trained in marital work, sees this as a primary skill and interest and someone with whom you feel a good working bond. Next, ask the therapist about their approach and how it fits with your relationship and your goals. Finally ask how often they want to and can meet with you. Intensive therapy leads to rapid results and is much more cost-effective than long drawn out treatments.
I want to tell you something. Contrary to the too often espoused belief that it is natural to get too old for sex, all the evidence suggests that people stay sexually active into their 80’s or more. Does this mean that they are as turned on as they were when they were 20? Probably not, but it does mean that they remain interested and periodically make love. So how do they do that? When it’s reported that one in five marriages are virtually sexless, how is it that some people maintain an active sex life throughout their marriage. I’ll tell you their secret.
First of all, let’s talk about why people stop having sex. I believe it is largely because they are responding to harmful mythologies about intimacy. Most of us carry around some of these mythologies with us. We believe that there are people who are really good at sex and others who are not, for example, and we fear that we fall into the latter category. If you believe that you have to be proficient or exceptional in lovemaking in order to please your partner, you will likely become less and less interested in intimacy.
Perhaps we worry about our physical appearance, our lovemaking style and most of all, whether we will perform adequately and reach the desired conclusion. The desired but mythological conclusion might include non-stop, multiple, bedroom-damaging orgasms. We may even have mistaken ideas about how these magical orgasms should occur. For example, surveys have shown that women tend to believe that they should be able to reach orgasm through penetration alone and without additional stimulation or lubrication. This sets the bar extremely high, and here’s the kicker, the more anxious you are about these performance issues, the less likely it is for you to lubricate appropriately and to feel real pleasure during intercourse.
Men, of course, struggle with size and performance issues as well, and they often also have the idea that there is some skill or romantic prowess at which they are simply not proficient. I have lost count of the number of men who have complained in my office that they are simply not the romantic or touchy-feely types. They seem to think that romance is a mysterious language they never learned. However, at some point they elicited their partner’s interest and this remains possible.
Of course, the problem is that the more one focuses on performance and questions of whether he or she is “good enough” the less pleasure they experience. When you focus on what feels really good and when touch is pleasing, you are more likely to be generous in offering pleasing touch to your partner. It’s really not that challenging. If you and your partner focus on pleasure rather than some ideal of sexual performance, you will likely enjoy each other.
So here is the secret. I suspect that those couples that are still enjoying sex into their later years have attained a magical quality in their lovemaking. They like each other.
Such couples may have also learned very early on that sex means paying attention to their own and their partner’s bodies. They have discovered that sex isn’t always perfect and it doesn’t have to be. Once in a while, one of them gets distracted. He loses his erection. She starts to worry about the grandkids. Whatever it is, they don’t see this as a lack of affection or as a failure, and with this understanding, they simply assume that they will again touch each other and play together and they will have their chance next time.
Did you know that brainstorming, the technique for generating ideas in groups, developed in the late 40’s and popularized since the 50’s under a number of creative rubrics, has not proven to be effective?
Brainstorming is the process of encouraging groups to generate ideas rapidly and expansively, essentially spilling what comes to their minds without fear of criticism or negativity. In fact, the rules of brainstorming prohibit criticism or negativity. The group is to pursue quantity not quality. With no limits on cognitive impulses, artistic, creative, out-of-the-box thinking would flow like honey. The underlying assumption of brainstorming is that if people are scared of saying the wrong thing, they’ll say nothing and so the creative process is stunted.
This made tremendous intuitive sense, and seemed to be backed up by experience in the marketing world in which Alex Osborn, a partner in BBDO, an advertising firm, developed it. Remember this was in the late forties when top down management could be quite draconian. It was a revolution of sorts to say that every member of the team could throw out ideas without fear. It’s just that it doesn’t really work. Research has never supported the efficacy of brainstorming and there are some excellent arguments for why it doesn’t work.
This is important because it highlights a common phenomenon in human interactions. In spite of the lack of supporting evidence, brainstorming, under a variety of guises remains immensely popular and there are companies that will charge thousands or even hundreds of thousands of dollars to teach these rather simple practices to your organization.
To be fair, because brainstorming is fun and fairly simple to implement, it is a popular teambuilding exercise, and in fact, if teambuilding is your primary goal, you could do worse. At least in brainstorming, no one injures themselves in their pursuit of group cohesiveness.
So why doesn’t it work? Reasons include the self-censorship that occurs in all groups, social laziness, dominance of individual members of the group, social matching and decreased attention. In any group session, many or most participants will fear disagreeing with the group or even with individual members of the group. There are those who will sit back and allow the group to work without them. In addition to being unproductive, this propensity to set the process out while everyone else is generating ideas adds the risk of being inattentive and therefore not retaining information.
In any group one or more members may also dominate the process and as those persons get a head-of-steam others will sit back for all of the reasons already mentioned. Social matching means that when people are allowed to select their own subgroups, they will lean towards those who are like-minded, further cutting down on the necessary diversity of opinion. In terms of self-censorship, it has been said that while the rule is that there are no bad ideas, everyone is fully aware that there are bad ideas, and that their bad ideas will be remembered.
It seems that in many ways, which go beyond the focus of this blog, the best thinking springs from individuals that have sufficient privacy and time to generate a fully-fledged idea and who then can submit these to the group for evaluation and development. This does not suggest that we lock people away in small rooms until they come up with the idea, but does suggest that an imposed groupthink process will not be productive. Individuals may be most creative, when not in the group. Many of us need a period of calm and no disruptions to engage the most creative parts of our brains. This is indeed supported by neuropsychological research/brain science. The ideas which result may then be efficiently challenged and honed in a group process.
What’s the answer? This is not an all-or-nothing proposition. Your organization can work to support individual creative efforts by first reexamining the atmosphere for creativity. A favorite supervisor of mine once referred to a particular area of administration as “the place where ideas go to die.” In such a culture, creative people will tend to leave or use their best thinking outside of the organization.
A creative culture requires that you perpetually listen to your outliers, rebels and freethinkers, not just during group brainstorming. You may need a forum in which wild ideas can be posted, considered and then further developed in a group setting. A team culture of honoring ideas and then subjected them to objective consideration rather than competitive or destructive urges in the team would still support the best of brainstorming but with a more efficient use of time and energy.
Well, I know this has gone on a bit. Let’s keep thinking about it. If you have ideas about group creativity please respond to this post.
Infidelity is traumatic for the betrayed and ultimately for the one who broke the trust. In fact, the result of infidelity has been compared to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Even apparently insignificant reminders of the affair will tend to stimulate intense feelings of pain, guilt and shame in both partners. The betrayal and loss experienced upon discovering infidelity, changes forever your view of your lover, your relationship and yourself. The person who committed the breach of faith, and who likely lied and manipulated in order to maintain the secret, now must live with that guilt and shame and somehow convince the partner of his or her recommitment to the relationship.
Because this traumatic loss runs so deeply, recovery requires the usual time and effort of any profound grief process. It also requires that both partners participate in the healing. There is no quick fix and no immediate apology or forgiveness that will repair the relationship. This is an intense grief experience and we know that grief can take a very long time, not days or weeks, to overcome.
A betrayed partner will need to ask a lot of questions and while the answers may not always provide relief, this discussion is absolutely critical. They must know that this is important enough to the partner to talk about and be heard on. If it’s not that important then there can be no forgiveness and no recovery. Their minds will be preoccupied with the imagery of the infidelity and the thought that on a number of occasions, their lover chose someone else over their relationship. It’s never that simple, but it certainly feels that way. As they try to understand what has happened they will repeat some questions over and over, both because repetition is a normal stress reaction and because they aren’t sure they can ever believe the answers. It is likely that the convoluted stories that have evolved during and after the affair are so confusing that indeed, they don’t know what to believe.
This takes us to another reason for this exploration. During the course of the affair and after finding out about it, the betrayed partner may experience numerous self-doubts. I have heard questions such as why the affair partner was more attractive to the lover than they. They ask why they were not important enough to the spouse. They also may question their own thinking for having not noticed or having ignored the signs of the affair. Some describe feeling like they were just being too suspicious or having bizarre thinking until they found out the truth.
Meanwhile, this discussion will be avoided by the offending partner. The one who cheats will not be able to come up with anything that makes the affair sound reasonable and will begin to question their own judgment as reality kicks in.
The bad news is that according to surveys more than 20% of marriages are affected by infidelity, and that number may be low due to problems with reporting. Here’s the good news. If both partners are serious about recommitting to the relationship and actively work on rebuilding trust they have an excellent chance of having a great relationship again. It will not be the same relationship they had before the affair. It may even be better in that they will have to work extra hard on taking risks, being honest, and paying attention to each other.
I know this is brief and in fact there are a number of excellent books on this subject. I would recommend Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You, both by Janis Abrahms Spring as well as the chapter on infidelity in my own book Reptiles in Love.
In the meantime, I would offer a few basic steps in recovering from infidelity:
I became interested in family businesses at an early age.
My first real job was as a stock boy at a local second-generation grocery store, owned and operated by two brothers and their wives. By the time I worked at the store, from age 14-17, there was considerable tension among the owners and you could tell pretty much how your shift was going to go by which partner was present and whether there had been any recent flare-ups.
It was never boring.
Family businesses account for the majority of businesses in America, and yet fewer than one-third of these survive to a second generation. There are exciting examples of fantastic successes, as well as disastrous tales where both the business and the family relationships were destroyed.
The complexities of running a family business offer fascinating puzzles for an owner, therapist or organizational consultant. They can also provide some lessons for people who have not considered opening their own business, as you may see some similarities between running a family business and managing your own family.
Among the numerous challenges with family-owned businesses are issues of fairness and values and the failure of founders to create and adhere to clear succession plans. But perhaps the most pervasive problems occur in not clearly distinguishing between personal and business layers when facing a given issue – not unlike many of the routine “business” decisions most couples face on a daily basis.
The subject reminds me of the old Smothers Brothers comedy duo, who would typically sing a song or tell a story only to quickly devolve into arguing. Suddenly Tommy would erupt angrily, with the phrase, “Mom always liked you best,” which, of course, had nothing to do with their discussion or the song they were trying to get through.
Certainly most personal conflicts within family businesses aren’t so blatant, but the personal dynamics among family members can be plenty confusing.
Running a business together while maintaining an intimate relationship – described in my profession’s literature as copreneurs – is a frequent subject in marriage counseling. The even broader issue of incorporating adult children and other family members into a business offers both rich opportunities and dangers.
I have often seen these issues as an administrator, consultant and family therapist. But they became more meaningful to me after I left a multispecialty medical setting and ventured into opening my clinical practice, relying on the help of my wife and son, as well as the support of numerous friends.
One young married couple I worked with – we’ll call them Matt and Susan – struggled with balancing the needs of the business against the needs of the family.
Matt had primary management responsibilities with the business, and when he suggested investing additional funds in marketing, he was surprised to see his wife explode. This investment had made perfect sense to him in terms of their goals, but Susan felt he seemed to have time and money for everything but her and the children.
Susan complained about him never being home, never asking her out, missing important events for the children, and now he had the audacity to want to invest even more into the business.
While it would be unwise to make a business decision based on their home life, it would be more unwise to ignore the potential distancing in their relationship. The trick is to know which part of the problem they were addressing at any given point. Blending them into one subject can make both partners feel overwhelmed and hopeless.
Such issues of fairness, respect and attention in the marriage may prevent family members from feeling fully allied as business partners, and this will affect engagement and critical business decisions. Similarly, in the second generation of a business family, issues of favoritism, fairness, competition and loyalty can disrupt choosing a future management structure that is best for the business.
As the business continues to develop and to involve more family members, these issues will be compounded. If the management team thinks they are strictly dealing with a business decision, but festering frustration and resentments go unaddressed, the danger of failure – both personal and professional – is high.
It takes strength and resolve to make a family business endure, but I hope that all of us remember the importance of family businesses and try to patronize them as much as possible.
The family business is a staple of the economy, and the family and community have a tremendous investment in each other. The founders and family members generally have personal connections within the community that far outweigh mere business relationships.
A large part of the success of the business may even be found in the personal connection of the family name to the service or product.
If you are part of a family-owned business that needs help separating the personal from the professional, there is plenty of help available through educational, state and private organizations, along with a wealth of books, journals and articles dedicated to this subject. Couples and family members are often simply too close to the problem and need to involve outside consultation to help define and organize the variety of issues affecting a business impasse.
Attending to relationships and engagement is important to any organization, but it’s absolutely necessary to a successful family endeavor.
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