Is marriage therapy worth it? The answer is Yes and No!

Many couples struggle with the question of whether marriage therapy is worthwhile. This question about the finances and time, also reflect the ambivalence they feel about improving their relationship.  Most partners are unsure whether they can change or not and whether there are possible negative consequences to trying.  When beginning therapy, one of the partners will often challenge whether therapy is really worth the time and money invested.

My answer would be “Yes and No.”  Allow me to clarify.

I want to specifically address the financial costs in this blog, because these days, we must all watch our spending closely. Most of us must carefully consider what any investment is meant to yield.  The average cost, of out-of-pocket payment, marital therapy with me is usually between $1500 and $2000, depending on the presenting issues and goals.  Is it worth that price to you?  Some would say that, compared to the enormous physical, financial and emotional toll of divorce, or compared to living in misery, this is cheap.

I take a different view of this.  It’s never enough, in my view, to simply avoid divorce.  Neither is it nearly enough to just try to end frequent fighting. Although merely reducing the fighting would at least make life a little easier for the two of you and your children, for a while, but it’s simply not enough!

If your goal were simply to stay together and negotiate a kind of truce in your marriage, then I would suggest therapy is not worth the cost. Such an agreement just to stop doing further harm might be a good idea for a period of time, but such agreements are not very fulfilling and they don’t last.  There are many books which might help with this kind of contract to be nicer to each other or a life coach might be able to help you with this negotiation. This agreement, however, will not be very satisfying and is likely to fail.

But perhaps you can imagine a more fulfilling goal, such as coming home to a partner who is truly glad to see you, sharing time with someone who values you and your efforts and with whom you create a sanctuary from the many “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” If you would like to experience increased playfulness in your day-to-day experiences and greater joy in physical intimacy and sex and if you can imagine the pride and pleasure of building a true partnership and romance with the most important person in your life, then it would seem to me that the price of therapy is an incredible bargain.

Now if you can honestly answer that the above paragraph summarizes your goals, then I would suggest that you find a therapist who specializes in the complex art/science of relationship/marriage therapy and get to work.  I can tell you that the most common responses I have seen in my work are relief and regret.  Relief that the couple could get back on track with each other and regret that they had wasted so much time, energy and money pursuing frustrating battles and joyless escapes for so long. These people discovered the joy of reigniting connection and passion. They feel younger and more alive as they are adding to or rebuilding a healthy relationship.

Clearly, there are no guarantees in therapy. However, you will find that early in the evaluation process, you will have some idea whether you have a good connection and working relationship with the therapist.  Shortly after that you will already be noticing improvement and feeling more hopeful.  If not, you need to reevaluate whether the therapist or the current process is right for you. In order to safeguard that you are truly investing appropriately, pay attention to this. If you are not feeling like things are moving, let your therapist know this and seek corrective action. It may be that this means simply changing directions a bit and revisiting your goals or you may need a different therapist and your current therapist can help with that transition.

This could easily be the most important transition in your life, one which holds implications for how well you will live for years to come. It is not to be taken lightly and should be seen as an important investment in your future.  This goal then is well worth the time, money and effort because it likely means a better, longer and more fulfilling life.

What do you really value?

So, now it’s reported that people are spending thousands of dollars for chin implants so they can look better on webcams.  How many other examples can you quickly name of people investing time, energy, money or risking their health, families or freedom to feel a little better or more confident?

 

There is nothing new in this. Quacks have successfully sold snake oil cures forever with promises to take away problems, make you more attractive or sexy, or fix what ails you.  H.L. Mencken is purported to have said, “No one ever went broke by underestimating the intelligence of the American public.” Yes, we invest impossible sums in having an altered face or body, a powerful car, or a house we can’t afford.

It is clear that these actions are never successful when it comes to making one happy.  They don’t add anything significant to life and yet the siren call of easy gratification persists.  So what actually works?  What makes people happy?  Studies around the world always connect the state of happiness to relationships and a connection to community or something larger than one’s self.

As a psychologist and marriage therapist, I see incredible people who understand this simple principle and are willing to invest in their relationships.  Sadly, one also sees so many who will expend precious resources on anything except their most valuable, life-affirming asset, their intimate relationship.

Some are unwilling to pay for marriage therapy because they are upset that their insurance will not pay for it.  With this stance, they are clearly telling their partners what the relationship is worth, nothing.  However, this resistance isn’t always about money.  It is also because the person closest to us, is the most potentially harmful in terms of insult or rejection. Furthermore, as couples distance from one another, they often find it difficult to picture getting back to a loving connection.  I have written about this previously as a natural state of ambivalence about improving an intimate relationship.

Therefore, it is so much simpler to think that a bigger house, a newer car, a revised face, or perhaps another lover will restore courage and confidence.  Nope!

Hope lies only in reestablishing romance with your partner. The rewards of a strong relationship are immense and life is so much better and easier when that is in place.  We know what works and so, why not get busy and commit to getting the best out of life?  The time is now.  Make the call to a qualified couples therapist and get on the path to a fulfilling relationship.

Postponement: “I’ll get back to you on our marriage.”

“Just wait until …….. happens.  Things will be better then.”  We’ve probably all said or thought something of this sort, at some point in our lives.  It’s actually great fun to look forward to good things. In fact our bodies are more positively turned on by the anticipation of an event than by the actual event or reward itself.

Ah, but what if you put off important needs or changes with the idea that things will just get better on their own?  Herein lies the problem for many people, particularly in the area of intimate relationships.  By the time you have reached your other goals, considerable damage is done.  Your partner may even perceive this damage as irreversible. However, there is so much you can do and it’s not that difficult.

Postponement is the process of telling yourself that your relationships will get better if you can just get over the next hurdle. In this pattern you may say that you simply don’t have time to relax, spend time with children or your spouse, or focus on relationships but it will all get better when you graduate, get your first job, get a promotion, move to a new city, get another promotion, or retire.  For many, this becomes a powerful pattern in which they truly go through each of these steps, plus the parallel steps of waiting for the children to get a little older, start school, go to high school, leave home, or start their own families, always thinking that at that next stage, you will really be able to enjoy your children and each other.

This is terribly seductive because, indeed, there is logical, rational support for the idea that life could be better with that next accomplishment. The problem for couples is such positive events rarely repair issues such as disappointments and distance that have built up throughout the period of waiting.  Furthermore, the joy from such successes is said to only last three months on average.  That means there is only a 90 day window of positive feeling before you go-getters are already setting your sights on the next accomplishment or developmental stage; not much time to repair damage to a relationship.

I have a recommendation.  First, can you imagine taking your next step, in a prescribed, targeted fashion, towards rebuilding your relationship … today?  Take a deep breath now because I already sense your resistance. You need to select one very specific way in which you are going to pay a little more attention to your relationship.   Keep it small, specific and easy, but your partner should be able to clearly see that you are trying to be closer or more romantic, in your own way.

Perhaps you want to say that you’re no good at that romance stuff.  Or maybe you would suggest that your partner is so angry and disappointed that it seems like it’s too late.  You might even feel so disappointed that your successes don’t seem to be honored by your partner that you are not even sure you want to be positive towards them.  You’ve worked so hard and nothing seems to be good enough for him/her. Take one more deep breath and let’s get started.

You don’t have to change your personality or become an overnight romantic to improve your relationship.  You have many skills for paying attention to another person that you used when first dating and have since perhaps neglected.  Often, very busy people feel like they just can’t add one more thing to the list such as doing something fun with their spouse or just taking time for uninterrupted talk. However, these same people are typically wasting huge amounts of mental energy on feeling distant, resentful and ignored. This takes a toll on them and their partner and is most likely affecting their efficiency at work as well.

You may wish to start very small with your new goal. Try reminding yourself of one thing about your partner for which you are grateful, every single morning when you wake up. You need not tell him or her about this gratitude, even though there are obvious benefits to doing so. The goal here is simply to awaken a positive part of your brain and begin to reshape your attitude first thing in the morning.  It’s an added bonus if you choose to tell your partner of your positive thoughts.

Another option would be to develop a new way to manage one small daily event.  How you greet your partner when you wake up, how you leave for work or school or how you reenter the house at the end of the day are all possible places where you may have become too casual or negligent.  Enhancing these tiny moments may alter the rest of your day or evening.  These are also defined, measurable activities where you can experiment and see how they work for you and whether they are pleasing to your partner.

This latter point is critical.  The anxious brain will usually think in more general terms.  Partners will ask each other to be more attentive or pleasant or to spend more time but none of these are measurable.  It is often the case that a partner is trying to do better but is not sure what success would look like. Pretty soon the couple is arguing over whether one truly has spent more pleasant time with the other.  A goal to simply be “nicer” is not measurable and so, will lead to failure.

Remember, it is totally normal to assume that life will be better with the next accomplishment.  However, it is not the case that such events really change your relationship for the better.  Therefore, pay attention to your relationship and make repairs as you go.   You know that if you don’t maintain your vehicle or your home, the time and costs of repairing the damage are so much greater, than this preventive action would have cost.  Maintenance of your relationship will not only insure that you stay together, but that you are happy together which will lead to you being healthier and more efficient in all areas of your life.  I promise.

Couples therapy: Does frequency of visits matter?

What is the most frequent error in pursuing couples therapy?  I believe it is the tendency to spread out sessions.  This may be to save money, or to spread out the impact on busy schedules, or because the therapist has limited availability.  In any case, it is my experience that this usually greatly damages the effectiveness of the work and therefore endangers your relationship.

If I had to choose between meeting with a couple for ten sessions, in short intervals or 30 sessions, spread further out, I would almost always recommend the ten sessions at least weekly.  This is very important, so please pay attention.

Relationship therapy is not about just being nicer to each other.  Neither is it about having a counselor/mediator walk you through each possible fight in order to find better solutions.  Either of these will be ineffective.   Things also don’t generally improve through one of the partners thinking deeply about the relationship and coming to some eureka moment.

Relationship work should instead facilitate the two of you changing your brains.  Sound huge?  It is, and yet it is fairly simple and straightforward.  You need to override primitive ways of defending yourselves in order to allow your best thinking to occur.  Face it, aren’t you usually able to treat total strangers with greater kindness than you show to those closest to you?   That isn’t because you don’t care.  It’s because they are too close and too important to you and arouse more anxiety in you than any stranger ever could.

Therapy is about changing patterns and breaking through old destructive rituals, rituals in which you fight in ways that you absolutely know will never get you what you want or need.  This repair occurs through carefully structuring a new set of responses to one another and then practicing them over and over.  It means building trust through this practice so that as you see your own skills grow, you see your partner trying to respond differently as well.

In this process, spreading out the sessions, allows more time for errors and sliding back into old behaviors.  In this pattern, even small errors will feel like defeats or betrayals.  After a longer gap, partners will often say, “look, things were going much better and then he did the same thing he always does and I just felt like giving up.”  You might think of this very much like physical therapy.  If, after an injury, you don’t follow up with the prescribed physical therapy sessions or only go every now and then, your muscles will not improve in the way they would have, had you gone regularly.

In past blogs, I have provided information about choosing a marriage/relationship therapist.  I have suggested finding someone who has been trained in marital work, sees this as a primary skill and interest and someone with whom you feel a good working bond.  Next, ask the therapist about their approach and how it fits with your relationship and your goals.  Finally ask how often they want to and can meet with you.  Intensive therapy leads to rapid results and is much more cost-effective than long drawn out treatments.

Finding the Best Couple Therapy

The most important effort you may ever make for your health and well-being is to pay attention to your intimate relationship.  The question of how to find the right therapist comes up all the time and you may have gotten this message from me before and so I thought I would quote from another source.  Dr. Daniel Amen is a recognized expert on Attention Deficit Disorder and has strong words of advice for people seeking care. I can only echo these sentiments for people who wish to enhance or repair their relationships.

• Get the best person you can find.  Saving money up front may cost you in the long run.  The right help is not only cost-effective but saves unnecessary pain and suffering.  Don’t just rely on a person who is on your managed-care plan. That person may or may not be a good fit for you.  Search for the best. If he or she is on your insurance plan, great. But don’t let that be the primary criterion.  (From Don:  In many cases this is a moot point because most insurers don’t pay for couples therapy.)
• Use a specialist…..
• Once you get the names of competent professionals, check their credentials.
• Set up an interview with the professional to see whether or not you want to work with him or her.  Generally you have to pay for their time, but it is worth spending time getting to know the people you will rely on for help.   (From Don:  Many therapists offer a free 15 minute phone interview as well which may help answer some of your initial questions and give you some sense of the therapist.)
• Read the professional’s work or hear the professional if possible.
• Look for a person who treats you with respect, who listens to your questions and responds to your needs.

Abstracted from Healing ADD: The Breakthrough Program That Allows You to See and Heal the 6 Types of ADD, Daniel Amen,         G.   Putnam, New York, 2001

Where ever you live there are likely gifted couples therapists somewhere in your community or region. It’s well worth a bit of research to find the best match for you and your partner.  Your physician or minister, or if your employer has one, an Employee Assistance counselor can be helpful in finding a skilled and experienced therapist.