Decision-making as a stressed couple

How does your brain work when you experience stress?  At certain levels of stress, you may actually feel more creative and artful in your approach to problems but there is a point at which you may feel confused, lethargic, overwhelmed and perhaps resentful when you feel like too much is being expected of you.

A stressed out or overwhelmed individual will become more simplistic or black-and-white in his or her thinking.  This has been demonstrated in numerous studies and is perhaps most clearly seen in corporate decision-making where very smart, insightful people become less creative, and ignore critical information when overwhelmed.  Black-or-white thinking means that people will see only two options in most situations, and can then become very wedded to one or the other option. People are often confused when in this impaired state, they see only these two possible answers to a given problem, and cannot fathom why their partner cannot see the obvious “right” solution.  The partners cannot agree, but also cannot break the problem down into smaller categories and explore possible “grey-area” options. As the tension rises they are likely to dig in their heels with each other and feel less and less like they are working as a team.  This feels like a betrayal.  The pain of perceived betrayal in turn increases the tension and the rigidity in thinking.

Under stressful conditions, we tend to ignore data that does not correspond with our initial reaction. The simplistic brain tends to gather data which supports its initial assumptions.  We certainly see this in politics.  Simplistic mottos and rants take the place of dialogue and discussion.  Loud criticisms of those in the opposing party, patriotic sounding diatribes, appeals to religious beliefs, attacks on the evil of taxes, the supposed damage done when trying to provide health care to the population, all may hold currency with an anxious and stressed population.  However, these have proven to offer no opportunity for negotiation and accomplishment. Instead, they have gridlocked and threatened the stability of the nation.   A very similar process occurs between stressed out spouses.

In situations where there is a feared loss, people tend to override all other considerations, including positive opportunities as they focus on that feared event.  A person who is anxious about losing their job will, for example not be comforted by the idea, or even believe that,  there are other better jobs available.  They will tend to only be annoyed by such suggestions and may fail to take advantage of a great opportunity until they have somehow managed the anxiety.  Similarly in couples where there is some feared loss or injury, an individual may not even be able to hear reassurance or hopeful comments from the partner.

Consider Bill and Cindy.  Cindy complains that Bill is gone more than he is home and that he places work far above her and the children in terms of priorities.  She describes him as having a “high old time” with his business associates and golf buddies, while she has to manage the home.  He describes being on the road, with long meetings, hotel rooms and constant pressure and nothing to look forward to at home but more nagging.  They then argue over who works harder and has the greater pressure. They are fighting over which of them is a good partner.  This, however, prevents them from really hearing of each other’s sense of feeling overwhelmed and lonely.  If they could talk about the need to have valuable time together at the end of business trips and if Bill could hear Cindy’s needs without merely hearing her as criticizing him personally they might have a chance at a real discussion. In turn, if Cindy felt like Bill was hearing her she could lower her voice and perhaps be less strident. When they move away from the black-or-white positions of her being a nag and him being uncaring, they have a greater chance of a positive, partnering discussion.  Such discussions make improved intimacy more likely as well.

Partners must first recognize that these anxious reactions, these simplistic or highly personalized views of problems, are normal in stressful times.  They are linked to impaired thinking, not to any lack of caring or appreciation for the partner.  When you are feeling most aroused, defensive and needing to win, you should realize that you are not able to think at your best.  In calming yourself and rejoining your partner, there is no guarantee that you will come up with the perfect solution.  However, if your primary goal is a supportive partnership with increased opportunities for affection and closeness, you have a much better chance of that with expanded options and cooperative teamwork. For your sake, I hope that this is indeed your primary goal.  The added benefit is that, with this more cooperative, positive and smarter stance, the odds are much greater that you will arrive at a positive solution that works for both of you.

Coming Home: The art of rejoining

Picture this. A guy has been on the road for over a week and his wife agreed that she would meet him at the airport with their children, so the kids could see their father and enjoy looking at the planes.  It’s a great plan and they both look forward to it. As the magic time arrives, each is feeling more and more excited about seeing each other. However, as both feel tired and stressed, some old worries kick in.  He wonders if she appreciates how seriously he takes his work and other responsibilities.   She wonders if she looks as old and worn out as she feels.

As they first see each other at the terminal, they experience a rush of excitement, combined with some of these old worries.  They might detect hesitation in each other and tension builds in them.  Perhaps, on the way back to the car, one asks a simple question. She inquires whether he visited any good restaurants while he was gone.  His sharp response, “I’m not just having fun on these trips you know,” takes her completely by surprise.  In turn, when he asks about whether the kids have torn the house apart, she hears a criticism of her as a bad housekeeper or a permissive, out-of-control mother.  They are not even out of the airport and both are hurt and disappointed.

We grow up with images of wonderful homecomings. Some of these images come from religious parables, some from holiday stories, movies, television commercials or other imagery.  In selling anything from perfume to coffee advertisers understand that the rejoining of two people after an absence has magical, magnetic qualities. The view of a joyous welcoming is just that satisfying. You can probably conjure up a lovely homecoming fantasy right this moment.

Whether it’s returning from a military deployment, a long trip, or just from work at the end of a hard day, we all have visions of what a homecoming should look like.  The actual experience, however, doesn’t always live up to those expectations.  When disappointments occur, partners are prone to make guesses as to why the welcome is not what they expected. In a heightened state of arousal, when humans guess, we go to the most negative assumptions.  This is not only distressing but also harmful to relationships.

In reality life often throws up roadblocks in these perfect scenarios. Soldiers come home to wives or husbands who have developed new skills and are more independent, and to a family that has had to function without them.  Our returning soldiers must redevelop their roles in their family, understanding that the people on the home front continued to have experiences, grow and learn to do things without relying on the absent soldier. Rules and roles have changed.

Similarly, exhausted business travelers return, perhaps with dreams of being welcomed as heroes, who have worked long hours, fought the good fight, existed in hotel rooms and dealt with numerous customers/colleagues.  They might instead find an exhausted spouse who has managed his or her own job, the kids and the household, and who is a little jealous of the restaurant meals and the isolation of a hotel room the traveler has “enjoyed”.  The traveler may be overjoyed to be home, with expectations of a happy and perhaps romantic reunion.  The partner may have similar wishes but may also feel exhausted and hope for relief from the daily grind or even need a little less human contact for a bit.  Through no intention of harm, both partners feel disappointed and resentful as their hopes are squashed.  They may just be tired or scared.

Finally, even in the mundane, everyday world of work, we may have memories of the partner being excited to see us at the end of the day earlier in the relationship. However, as the relationship matures, the joyous reunion is not always a reality.  Again, life intrudes.  Work, kids, physical problems, neighbors, etc., conspire to take the focus off of each other. You return home at the end of a long day with a goal of a friendly reunion and a little rest, and are met instead with the kid’s bad behavior, or a missed bill, plumbing malfunction, or shopping assignment.  Sometimes life sucks!

It is common for couples to make logical errors and to lose connection with each other during the reentry process. Therefore, those brief moments when they first come into contact, are critical.  They say one only has 7 seconds to make a first impression.  Couples are very aware of each other’s moods, postures, etc and so you might reduce that first impression thing down to less than a second.  The partners cannot fool each other, by just pretending that the exhaustion, resentment, or other bad feelings, are not there and so honesty is the best policy.

When important needs are denied, such as the need for a welcoming partner and a relaxed environment, or a returning energetic and attentive spouse, couples need to be able to grieve together and this also requires sharing information. Such needs are not childish or a sign of being overly needy. The need for human comfort from a partner is as critical as food when one is depleted from life’s many demands.  Therefore we must not feel ashamed or simply swallow our anger when reunions go poorly. Rather, we need to help each other understand what is happening.

Rather than trying to pretend that they are totally into the reunion, while secretly feeling exhausted and even perhaps worried about additional demands or expectations, it would be best to acknowledge being tired or overwhelmed, reminding the partner that it is not personal and then planning for how they might make this better together.  Notice that this is not simply an excuse for not paying attention to each other. Rather, it is reassurance that each is cared for and an opportunity to plan together how to make this better as soon as possible.

When greeting each other after a brief or extended separation, if you are exhausted, worried, etc, let your partner know that directly and then plan with them how you will get reconnected. This will relieve a lot of tension and guesswork.

Is marriage therapy worth it? The answer is Yes and No!

Many couples struggle with the question of whether marriage therapy is worthwhile. This question about the finances and time, also reflect the ambivalence they feel about improving their relationship.  Most partners are unsure whether they can change or not and whether there are possible negative consequences to trying.  When beginning therapy, one of the partners will often challenge whether therapy is really worth the time and money invested.

My answer would be “Yes and No.”  Allow me to clarify.

I want to specifically address the financial costs in this blog, because these days, we must all watch our spending closely. Most of us must carefully consider what any investment is meant to yield.  The average cost, of out-of-pocket payment, marital therapy with me is usually between $1500 and $2000, depending on the presenting issues and goals.  Is it worth that price to you?  Some would say that, compared to the enormous physical, financial and emotional toll of divorce, or compared to living in misery, this is cheap.

I take a different view of this.  It’s never enough, in my view, to simply avoid divorce.  Neither is it nearly enough to just try to end frequent fighting. Although merely reducing the fighting would at least make life a little easier for the two of you and your children, for a while, but it’s simply not enough!

If your goal were simply to stay together and negotiate a kind of truce in your marriage, then I would suggest therapy is not worth the cost. Such an agreement just to stop doing further harm might be a good idea for a period of time, but such agreements are not very fulfilling and they don’t last.  There are many books which might help with this kind of contract to be nicer to each other or a life coach might be able to help you with this negotiation. This agreement, however, will not be very satisfying and is likely to fail.

But perhaps you can imagine a more fulfilling goal, such as coming home to a partner who is truly glad to see you, sharing time with someone who values you and your efforts and with whom you create a sanctuary from the many “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” If you would like to experience increased playfulness in your day-to-day experiences and greater joy in physical intimacy and sex and if you can imagine the pride and pleasure of building a true partnership and romance with the most important person in your life, then it would seem to me that the price of therapy is an incredible bargain.

Now if you can honestly answer that the above paragraph summarizes your goals, then I would suggest that you find a therapist who specializes in the complex art/science of relationship/marriage therapy and get to work.  I can tell you that the most common responses I have seen in my work are relief and regret.  Relief that the couple could get back on track with each other and regret that they had wasted so much time, energy and money pursuing frustrating battles and joyless escapes for so long. These people discovered the joy of reigniting connection and passion. They feel younger and more alive as they are adding to or rebuilding a healthy relationship.

Clearly, there are no guarantees in therapy. However, you will find that early in the evaluation process, you will have some idea whether you have a good connection and working relationship with the therapist.  Shortly after that you will already be noticing improvement and feeling more hopeful.  If not, you need to reevaluate whether the therapist or the current process is right for you. In order to safeguard that you are truly investing appropriately, pay attention to this. If you are not feeling like things are moving, let your therapist know this and seek corrective action. It may be that this means simply changing directions a bit and revisiting your goals or you may need a different therapist and your current therapist can help with that transition.

This could easily be the most important transition in your life, one which holds implications for how well you will live for years to come. It is not to be taken lightly and should be seen as an important investment in your future.  This goal then is well worth the time, money and effort because it likely means a better, longer and more fulfilling life.

How do people stay sexy as they age?

I want to tell you something.  Contrary to the too often espoused belief that it is natural to get too old for sex, all the evidence suggests that people stay sexually active into their 80’s or more.  Does this mean that they are as turned on as they were when they were 20?  Probably not, but it does mean that they remain interested and periodically make love.  So how do they do that?  When it’s reported that one in five marriages are virtually sexless, how is it that some people maintain an active sex life throughout their marriage.  I’ll tell you their secret.

First of all, let’s talk about why people stop having sex.  I believe it is largely because they are responding to harmful mythologies about intimacy.  Most of us carry around some of these mythologies with us. We believe that there are people who are really good at sex and others who are not, for example, and we fear that we fall into the latter category.  If you believe that you have to be proficient or exceptional in lovemaking in order to please your partner, you will likely become less and less interested in intimacy.

Perhaps we worry about our physical appearance, our lovemaking style and most of all, whether we will perform adequately and reach the desired conclusion. The desired but mythological conclusion might include non-stop, multiple, bedroom-damaging orgasms.  We may even have mistaken ideas about how these magical orgasms should occur. For example, surveys have shown that women tend to believe that they should be able to reach orgasm through penetration alone and without additional stimulation or lubrication.  This sets the bar extremely high, and here’s the kicker, the more anxious you are about these performance issues, the less likely it is for you to lubricate appropriately and to feel real pleasure during intercourse.

Men, of course, struggle with size and performance issues as well, and they often also have the idea that there is some skill or romantic prowess at which they are simply not proficient.  I have lost count of the number of men who have complained in my office that they are simply not the romantic or touchy-feely types.  They seem to think that romance is a mysterious language they never learned. However, at some point they elicited their partner’s interest and this remains possible.

Of course, the problem is that the more one focuses on performance and questions of whether he or she is “good enough” the less pleasure they experience.  When you focus on what feels really good and when touch is pleasing, you are more likely to be generous in offering pleasing touch to your partner.  It’s really not that challenging.  If you and your partner focus on pleasure rather than some ideal of sexual performance, you will likely enjoy each other.

So here is the secret.  I suspect that those couples that are still enjoying sex into their later years have attained a magical quality in their lovemaking.  They like each other.

Such couples may have also learned very early on that sex means paying attention to their own and their partner’s bodies.  They have discovered that sex isn’t always perfect and it doesn’t have to be. Once in a while, one of them gets distracted.  He loses his erection. She starts to worry about the grandkids.  Whatever it is, they don’t see this as a lack of affection or as a failure, and with this understanding, they simply assume that they will again touch each other and play together and they will have their chance next time.

Recovering from infidelity: A rollercoaster with payoffs

Infidelity is traumatic for the betrayed and ultimately for the one who broke the trust.  In fact, the result of infidelity has been compared to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  Even apparently insignificant reminders of the affair will tend to stimulate intense feelings of pain, guilt and shame in both partners.  The betrayal and loss experienced upon discovering infidelity, changes forever your view of your lover, your relationship and yourself.  The person who committed the breach of faith, and who likely lied and manipulated in order to maintain the secret, now must live with that guilt and shame and somehow convince the partner of his or her recommitment to the relationship.

Because this traumatic loss runs so deeply, recovery requires the usual time and effort of any profound grief process.  It also requires that both partners participate in the healing.  There is no quick fix and no immediate apology or forgiveness that will repair the relationship.   This is an intense grief experience and we know that grief can take a very long time, not days or weeks, to overcome.

A betrayed partner will need to ask a lot of questions and while the answers may not always provide relief, this discussion is absolutely critical.  They must know that this is important enough to the partner to talk about and be heard on.  If it’s not that important then there can be no forgiveness and no recovery.   Their minds will be preoccupied with the imagery of the infidelity and the thought that on a number of occasions, their lover chose someone else over their relationship.  It’s never that simple, but it certainly feels that way.   As they try to understand what has happened they will repeat some questions over and over, both because repetition is a normal stress reaction and because they aren’t sure they can ever believe the answers.  It is likely that the convoluted stories that have evolved during and after the affair are so confusing that indeed, they don’t know what to believe.

This takes us to another reason for this exploration. During the course of the affair and after finding out about it, the betrayed partner may experience numerous self-doubts.  I have heard questions such as why the affair partner was more attractive to the lover than they.  They ask why they were not important enough to the spouse. They also may question their own thinking for having not noticed or having ignored the signs of the affair.  Some describe feeling like they were just being too suspicious or having bizarre thinking until they found out the truth.

Meanwhile, this discussion will be avoided by the offending partner.  The one who cheats will not be able to come up with anything that makes the affair sound reasonable and will begin to question their own judgment as reality kicks in.

The bad news is that according to surveys more than 20% of marriages are affected by infidelity, and that number may be low due to problems with reporting.  Here’s the good news.  If both partners are serious about recommitting to the relationship and actively work on rebuilding trust they have an excellent chance of having a great relationship again. It will not be the same relationship they had before the affair.  It may even be better in that they will have to work extra hard on taking risks, being honest, and paying attention to each other.

I know this is brief and in fact there are a number of excellent books on this subject.  I would recommend  Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and  After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You, both by Janis Abrahms Spring as well as the chapter on infidelity in my own book Reptiles in Love.

In the meantime, I would offer a few basic steps in recovering from infidelity:

1. Talk about it.  You may be doubtful as to how this can bring you closer but you’ll need to hang in there.  Be prepared to ask questions if you are the offended partner and be prepared to strive for honesty if you are the perp.
2. Be honest with yourself.  Are you blaming your actions on your partner or on the affair partner?  How did you make the series of decisions that led you down this path?
3. Don’t expect this to be over right away. It takes time and you will never forget it but the affair will lose its power over you as you redevelop your intimacy and affection for one another.
4. Early on the offending partner will be well advised to be highly accountable to the other partner. If you are going to be five minutes late CALL!  You may have no ill intent, and you probably cannot misbehave in five minutes. However, from your partner’s stand point that is five minutes of worrying and possibly feeling reinjured and angry.  In terms of anxiety and worry five minutes is a lifetime and this is simply not worth the price you both pay.  CALL!
5. As you engage in minor acts of affection and trust building you may find that you feel closer.  You may have moments when you feel very close again only to suddenly feel anxious or angry again.  Don’t worry. This is normal and it’s worth talking about it.  It is normal to ride a bit of a roller coaster after a betrayal and your mind and body may send off alarm signals when you start feeling very close and intimate again. Why this happens is a long story but it is normal and will get better.
6. Pay attention to your needs and talk about what works and what doesn’t.  Both of you need to now create a new relationship.
7. Before you get too frustrated and give up, get help!  Most people who have affairs end up regretting their actions. They realize that the friendship with their partner is worth saving and it is this friendship which needs to be rebuilt.  It is not enough to just promise to not cheat again.

Family culture and holiday rituals

Here it comes, the holiday season, filled with portents of delight and/or dread. Families are small cultures, steeped in common, as well as idiosyncratic and strange, rituals.  Some of these traditions may be clearly defined, anticipated and apparent to all.  We always have a large turkey dinner on Thanksgiving and then watch football with most of us falling asleep off and on.  Others may be predictable but not really verbalized or recognized as a ritual.  Every Thanksgiving Uncle Bill and Aunt Jane have a little too much to drink and behave poorly which irritates Mom, and then Mom and Dad have an argument after everyone leaves.

 

Many of our rituals are time honored and delightful.  Perhaps you always join with your relatives in early morning Black Friday shopping and the rush, as you elbow your way into a store at 5:00 a.m., is something you truly live for.  Maybe your family delights in singing together on some special occasions. Maybe each year you pursue a larger Christmas tree or attempt to compete in making the newest or most elaborate dish.  Or is there a time when the extended family gathers and retells old family stories? 

 

The point is that we eventually form our own family and not all of the traditions we grew up loving, or at least enduring, will fit well with our partner’s expectations.  Our union with a person from a different family, must incorporate two tribal traditions, plus leave room for our own ideas of what makes for a great celebration.  Danger only evolves when partners move from negotiating their new roles and traditions and slide into a stance of defending themselves and their families and attacking the partner.  When this occurs, it is no longer a matter of choosing your favorite aspects of a celebration but instead turns to a highly personalized testament to whose family is “right”.

 

This will sometimes lead to escalating attack-defend behavior which cannot in any way provide either partner with new creative ideas of how they as a couple will now celebrate a given holiday.  When the above scenario occurs, the couple may attempt some kind of negotiation that is unsatisfying to both.  We might try alternating years.  On even numbered years we will hold a party in my family’s tradition and on odd years (coincidence fully intended) we will do it your family’s way.  We also know that, on our partner’s year, we will make disparaging comments or at least disapproving looks throughout the preparations and events in order to remind him or her that we are doing this against our better judgment and knowledge of how holidays are really meant to be celebrated.

 

If you have been caught in such disagreements, despair not.  It’s normal.  Such traditions, or lack of traditions, strike at a very deep part of your being.  These events or customs usually begin before you are even able to make sense of them.  You simply learn that on these days your family always behaves in this way.  And when these events don’t happen, even for good reason or when you weren’t that fond of them in the first place, you will likely feel some discomfort or anxiety.

 

 I have worked with people whose family had no positive holiday traditions and although they might think that such traditions would be nice, would then feel very uncomfortable with their partner’s families at such times. They felt completely out of place as they had no primitive memory of why these events should hold such power and delight.  It was not that they necessarily thought the partner’s family was wrong, but they had no internal connection to the practice and so it felt wrong.

 

If you can step back from the idea that one of your family’s traditions is wrong, you have an opportunity to explore what this behavior truly means to you.  I can certainly think of family traditions that I simply assumed were normal, while growing up and through the early years of adulthood, which now seem either unimportant or even negative.  However, what remains a valuable memory of those days was the entire family gathering in the kitchen, and that as each family member arrived from near far, the kitchen became more densely packed, loud and joyful.  Probably like most people, I still gravitate toward the kitchen at gatherings and although you might suspect that it’s due to the proximity to food, it’s also because, for me, that is the most natural place in the world to gather.  And, as with cooks all over the world, it probably drove my mother up the wall.

 

William Shakespeare’s Hamlet suggests, “for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”.   It is the same for family traditions.  There is nothing good or bad as long as it does no one any harm. You will never convince your partner that their traditions are useless or silly.  It is much like trying to convince someone that they should like your favorite song.  You can only explore how to fully engage with and protect each other at special times and, in so doing, to form your own private rituals.  Have great holidays!

Should therapists be neutral about marriage?

Dr. William Doherty has written eloquently on this subject but I’d like to address it briefly here. As therapists, we try to support clients by maintaining neutrality and respecting their needs, desires and decisions.  However, should your individual or couples therapist be neutral about your marriage?  The answer is “no”.

Obviously your therapist should be “on your side” but this does not include simply agreeing with everything you do.  You can get that kind of unconditional love and support from your pets, a friend or from a less trained mentor or coach.  A therapist should bring much more to the table. You are expending considerable time and effort, and you, or your insurance company, are spending considerable money for expertise and objectivity.  Your therapist then must take into account that at some point in your life you made an important decision and commitment, presumably for good reasons.  If you are now changing your mind and wanting to go where the grass is greener, the therapist must respect you enough to challenge your decision making and question whether this desire is coming from a position of strength and clear thinking or from a position of lust, weakness or despair.

Many therapists will support a client’s view that their spouse is bad or dangerous, without having met the spouse.  My thirty plus years of experience with couples suggests that, after hearing of a particularly monstrous situation the reality, when I meet the spouse, is very different.  In most troubled marriages, the couple has formed a bad contract in which they disengage and then begin to irritate each other. When you hear to one partner’s story the other person sounds terrible and as a couple they look very unhealthy together.  Actually in most areas of their lives they are often kind, competent and pleasant people trying to do the best they can.

Not every marriage is meant to be saved.  There are situations where a marriage has become intolerable or dangerous to one or both of the partners.  In such cases staying together “for the children” is not usually a viable answer.  However, your commitment to each other deserves to be evaluated fully.  This is particularly valuable in that most partners wanting to leave a marriage are trying to heal something in themselves.  They may be under the delusion that by leaving a spouse or trading to another partner, they will heal something inside.  This rarely works.  If they don’t learn and grow from this experience, they are very likely to repeat these same personal errors in the next relationship (and perhaps the next several relationships).

Furthermore, your therapist should understand, and warn you, that when affected by the biological upheaval of anger, pain, fear or lust, your objective reasoning, including your ability to rationally consider the consequences of your actions, is defective.  When affected by such powerful emotions, we also tend to be less creative and to narrow our scope of options.  It is incumbent on therapists to assist their clients in exploring the range of possibilities, rather than to support them in grasping at dramatic and often misdirected methods of relief. That is, methods which do not require the client to take responsibility for self-evaluation and growth.  In my opinion, when a therapist simply supports you with the idea that you should do what makes you happy, they are doing you a gross disservice.

Couples most often wait far too long before seeking help and indeed by the time they finally reach out, so much damage may have occurred that they themselves are convinced and therefore are prone to convince an individual therapist that there is no hope.  This is rarely true but extremely seductive.  A skilled therapist will help you expand your views of one another and of your own ability to make yourself happier.  Therein lies the true treatment.  No one person can make another person truly happy.  The common myth that there is one person out there who will heal you and take charge of your happiness is at the root of most divorce. When therapists buy into this myth and support you in simply leaving a marriage they are only helping you delay that inevitable reckoning when you discover that ultimately you have to make yourself happy.  The sooner you learn this, the sooner you can explore how it is that you and your spouse have fallen out of habit of asking each other for help in your pursuits of happiness and where resistance to one another has developed.  Only then can you get healthier and really examine whether you and your spouse can be good together again or not.

So what does it all mean?  You should expect your therapist to challenge your thoughts about your experience and to explore alternative explanations and possibilities.  If you are positive that you need to exit your marriage, you should still seek a marital evaluation.  If you are sure you want out, you may view this merely as an extended evaluation and preparation for a better parting than might otherwise be possible.  You should explore how you reached this point and whether you can forgive each other. Forgiveness may allow you to stay together or it may make it easier to move on in the healthiest manner. Finally, the goal of this work should be to make you stronger and better prepare you for future relationships.

Emptying the Nest

It’s happening again. Graduation parties and celebrations all over Verona remind us both of great accomplishments for the students and life-altering changes for them and their families.

Your family may be facing a major rite of passage.  Your children are finishing High School and preparing to leave for college, entering the military or pursuing other adventures.  Or perhaps, you are reminded of this coming change by the selection of colleges and other rituals already occurring in the third year of High School of this rapidly approaching transition.  Hopefully this also reminds you of how fast time goes and that you have this opportunity to prepare yourselves and your children for the changes you are all facing, as a family.  Perhaps you still have the summer to prepare.

I remember when my son left home for college.  Actually, it starts before that doesn’t it. There are many markers along the way through those High School years to remind you that your children are growing up and preparing to leave.  One day he came into our room to ask me something and it struck me as he stood there filling in the doorway that there, where a little boy should have been, stood a man. Really though, I did not expect to have empty nest problems.  He seemed more than ready to take this next step and in some ways, I was ready to watch and admire him and to enjoy more time for myself and my wife.  It was harder than I expected and one particular evening remains in my memory.  We had just gotten home from work and grocery shopping and were putting things away when suddenly the house just felt too big. I suddenly felt almost overwhelmed with sadness and near panic.

Parents react to these life changes in many ways but sometimes they don’t talk about what all is going to happen to them and their children as a family, as individuals and as a couple.  This period may well be one of sadness but it can also be a time to regenerate your marriage.  Many couples have told me that they were a little ashamed that they actually kind of enjoyed the new freedom of not having to parent and to expand the romance in their marriage.  There’s nothing in that to be ashamed of.  This is a passage like many others and the ability to allow your child to enjoy their new freedom while you rekindle your friendship and affection with your partner is all good.

In the worst case a couple may have invested so much of themselves in raising kids, earning a living and managing a home that they have become somewhat disconnected.  One or both may be wondering what they will talk about or how they will interact when the child is no longer in the home and there is less managing to do.  For such couples, the child’s departure is a crisis point in which they either rebuild their intimacy or drift further apart.

Many families simply move forward as though this isn’t happening or that it won’t make any difference.  However, you know that any change in any collection of people, even one employee leaving a large office, creates enormous ripples throughout the group.  For many of us the loss of a pet creates an awful gap.  It’s clear then that children leaving, after you have raised them for eighteen years, takes something out of you and alters your home permanently.  You and your children will never be the same again.  This struck me when I was eighteen and was on a train to basic training in the Army.  It had just turned dinner time and it washed over me as I pictured my family setting down to dinner, that, by enlisting I had permanently, irrevocably changed my life and theirs, and that nothing would ever be the same.

Here are some questions to ask yourself.  As you plan for their departure over the coming weeks, do your children know your expectations, hopes and fears?  Do they know that they can talk to you about anything, and should contact you no matter what, particularly if they need your help?  Do they know what financial help they can and cannot expect from you?  Do they know that you will miss them terribly but also that you will be alright and will live your own life while they are living theirs?  Do they understand that they have the opportunity now to develop an adult relationship with you?  How does this change affect their siblings and how are you all talking about the change?

Meanwhile, have you and your spouse talked about the future?  Do you know what each of you is expecting or needing from the other?  Do you plan on dating more, having noisier sex or developing additional outside interests?  Will one of you need a bit more attention during the months following your child’s departure?  Does one of you have concerns or fears about your child or your relationship that you have not felt comfortable sharing with the other?

Many of the couples with whom I’ve worked over the years have struggled with facing large transitions and grieving losses together. Because everyone grieves differently, they may struggle with supporting each other in their discomfort and then negotiating the steps towards building the next stage in their relationship.  Don’t miss this opportunity to refashion a great relationship for the two of you and for your children!

(Note:  This article will also appear in the Verona Press soon.)

What do you really value?

So, now it’s reported that people are spending thousands of dollars for chin implants so they can look better on webcams.  How many other examples can you quickly name of people investing time, energy, money or risking their health, families or freedom to feel a little better or more confident?

 

There is nothing new in this. Quacks have successfully sold snake oil cures forever with promises to take away problems, make you more attractive or sexy, or fix what ails you.  H.L. Mencken is purported to have said, “No one ever went broke by underestimating the intelligence of the American public.” Yes, we invest impossible sums in having an altered face or body, a powerful car, or a house we can’t afford.

It is clear that these actions are never successful when it comes to making one happy.  They don’t add anything significant to life and yet the siren call of easy gratification persists.  So what actually works?  What makes people happy?  Studies around the world always connect the state of happiness to relationships and a connection to community or something larger than one’s self.

As a psychologist and marriage therapist, I see incredible people who understand this simple principle and are willing to invest in their relationships.  Sadly, one also sees so many who will expend precious resources on anything except their most valuable, life-affirming asset, their intimate relationship.

Some are unwilling to pay for marriage therapy because they are upset that their insurance will not pay for it.  With this stance, they are clearly telling their partners what the relationship is worth, nothing.  However, this resistance isn’t always about money.  It is also because the person closest to us, is the most potentially harmful in terms of insult or rejection. Furthermore, as couples distance from one another, they often find it difficult to picture getting back to a loving connection.  I have written about this previously as a natural state of ambivalence about improving an intimate relationship.

Therefore, it is so much simpler to think that a bigger house, a newer car, a revised face, or perhaps another lover will restore courage and confidence.  Nope!

Hope lies only in reestablishing romance with your partner. The rewards of a strong relationship are immense and life is so much better and easier when that is in place.  We know what works and so, why not get busy and commit to getting the best out of life?  The time is now.  Make the call to a qualified couples therapist and get on the path to a fulfilling relationship.

Postponement: “I’ll get back to you on our marriage.”

“Just wait until …….. happens.  Things will be better then.”  We’ve probably all said or thought something of this sort, at some point in our lives.  It’s actually great fun to look forward to good things. In fact our bodies are more positively turned on by the anticipation of an event than by the actual event or reward itself.

Ah, but what if you put off important needs or changes with the idea that things will just get better on their own?  Herein lies the problem for many people, particularly in the area of intimate relationships.  By the time you have reached your other goals, considerable damage is done.  Your partner may even perceive this damage as irreversible. However, there is so much you can do and it’s not that difficult.

Postponement is the process of telling yourself that your relationships will get better if you can just get over the next hurdle. In this pattern you may say that you simply don’t have time to relax, spend time with children or your spouse, or focus on relationships but it will all get better when you graduate, get your first job, get a promotion, move to a new city, get another promotion, or retire.  For many, this becomes a powerful pattern in which they truly go through each of these steps, plus the parallel steps of waiting for the children to get a little older, start school, go to high school, leave home, or start their own families, always thinking that at that next stage, you will really be able to enjoy your children and each other.

This is terribly seductive because, indeed, there is logical, rational support for the idea that life could be better with that next accomplishment. The problem for couples is such positive events rarely repair issues such as disappointments and distance that have built up throughout the period of waiting.  Furthermore, the joy from such successes is said to only last three months on average.  That means there is only a 90 day window of positive feeling before you go-getters are already setting your sights on the next accomplishment or developmental stage; not much time to repair damage to a relationship.

I have a recommendation.  First, can you imagine taking your next step, in a prescribed, targeted fashion, towards rebuilding your relationship … today?  Take a deep breath now because I already sense your resistance. You need to select one very specific way in which you are going to pay a little more attention to your relationship.   Keep it small, specific and easy, but your partner should be able to clearly see that you are trying to be closer or more romantic, in your own way.

Perhaps you want to say that you’re no good at that romance stuff.  Or maybe you would suggest that your partner is so angry and disappointed that it seems like it’s too late.  You might even feel so disappointed that your successes don’t seem to be honored by your partner that you are not even sure you want to be positive towards them.  You’ve worked so hard and nothing seems to be good enough for him/her. Take one more deep breath and let’s get started.

You don’t have to change your personality or become an overnight romantic to improve your relationship.  You have many skills for paying attention to another person that you used when first dating and have since perhaps neglected.  Often, very busy people feel like they just can’t add one more thing to the list such as doing something fun with their spouse or just taking time for uninterrupted talk. However, these same people are typically wasting huge amounts of mental energy on feeling distant, resentful and ignored. This takes a toll on them and their partner and is most likely affecting their efficiency at work as well.

You may wish to start very small with your new goal. Try reminding yourself of one thing about your partner for which you are grateful, every single morning when you wake up. You need not tell him or her about this gratitude, even though there are obvious benefits to doing so. The goal here is simply to awaken a positive part of your brain and begin to reshape your attitude first thing in the morning.  It’s an added bonus if you choose to tell your partner of your positive thoughts.

Another option would be to develop a new way to manage one small daily event.  How you greet your partner when you wake up, how you leave for work or school or how you reenter the house at the end of the day are all possible places where you may have become too casual or negligent.  Enhancing these tiny moments may alter the rest of your day or evening.  These are also defined, measurable activities where you can experiment and see how they work for you and whether they are pleasing to your partner.

This latter point is critical.  The anxious brain will usually think in more general terms.  Partners will ask each other to be more attentive or pleasant or to spend more time but none of these are measurable.  It is often the case that a partner is trying to do better but is not sure what success would look like. Pretty soon the couple is arguing over whether one truly has spent more pleasant time with the other.  A goal to simply be “nicer” is not measurable and so, will lead to failure.

Remember, it is totally normal to assume that life will be better with the next accomplishment.  However, it is not the case that such events really change your relationship for the better.  Therefore, pay attention to your relationship and make repairs as you go.   You know that if you don’t maintain your vehicle or your home, the time and costs of repairing the damage are so much greater, than this preventive action would have cost.  Maintenance of your relationship will not only insure that you stay together, but that you are happy together which will lead to you being healthier and more efficient in all areas of your life.  I promise.