Is marriage therapy worth it? The answer is Yes and No!

Many couples struggle with the question of whether marriage therapy is worthwhile. This question about the finances and time, also reflect the ambivalence they feel about improving their relationship.  Most partners are unsure whether they can change or not and whether there are possible negative consequences to trying.  When beginning therapy, one of the partners will often challenge whether therapy is really worth the time and money invested.

My answer would be “Yes and No.”  Allow me to clarify.

I want to specifically address the financial costs in this blog, because these days, we must all watch our spending closely. Most of us must carefully consider what any investment is meant to yield.  The average cost, of out-of-pocket payment, marital therapy with me is usually between $1500 and $2000, depending on the presenting issues and goals.  Is it worth that price to you?  Some would say that, compared to the enormous physical, financial and emotional toll of divorce, or compared to living in misery, this is cheap.

I take a different view of this.  It’s never enough, in my view, to simply avoid divorce.  Neither is it nearly enough to just try to end frequent fighting. Although merely reducing the fighting would at least make life a little easier for the two of you and your children, for a while, but it’s simply not enough!

If your goal were simply to stay together and negotiate a kind of truce in your marriage, then I would suggest therapy is not worth the cost. Such an agreement just to stop doing further harm might be a good idea for a period of time, but such agreements are not very fulfilling and they don’t last.  There are many books which might help with this kind of contract to be nicer to each other or a life coach might be able to help you with this negotiation. This agreement, however, will not be very satisfying and is likely to fail.

But perhaps you can imagine a more fulfilling goal, such as coming home to a partner who is truly glad to see you, sharing time with someone who values you and your efforts and with whom you create a sanctuary from the many “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” If you would like to experience increased playfulness in your day-to-day experiences and greater joy in physical intimacy and sex and if you can imagine the pride and pleasure of building a true partnership and romance with the most important person in your life, then it would seem to me that the price of therapy is an incredible bargain.

Now if you can honestly answer that the above paragraph summarizes your goals, then I would suggest that you find a therapist who specializes in the complex art/science of relationship/marriage therapy and get to work.  I can tell you that the most common responses I have seen in my work are relief and regret.  Relief that the couple could get back on track with each other and regret that they had wasted so much time, energy and money pursuing frustrating battles and joyless escapes for so long. These people discovered the joy of reigniting connection and passion. They feel younger and more alive as they are adding to or rebuilding a healthy relationship.

Clearly, there are no guarantees in therapy. However, you will find that early in the evaluation process, you will have some idea whether you have a good connection and working relationship with the therapist.  Shortly after that you will already be noticing improvement and feeling more hopeful.  If not, you need to reevaluate whether the therapist or the current process is right for you. In order to safeguard that you are truly investing appropriately, pay attention to this. If you are not feeling like things are moving, let your therapist know this and seek corrective action. It may be that this means simply changing directions a bit and revisiting your goals or you may need a different therapist and your current therapist can help with that transition.

This could easily be the most important transition in your life, one which holds implications for how well you will live for years to come. It is not to be taken lightly and should be seen as an important investment in your future.  This goal then is well worth the time, money and effort because it likely means a better, longer and more fulfilling life.

Should therapists be neutral about marriage?

Dr. William Doherty has written eloquently on this subject but I’d like to address it briefly here. As therapists, we try to support clients by maintaining neutrality and respecting their needs, desires and decisions.  However, should your individual or couples therapist be neutral about your marriage?  The answer is “no”.

Obviously your therapist should be “on your side” but this does not include simply agreeing with everything you do.  You can get that kind of unconditional love and support from your pets, a friend or from a less trained mentor or coach.  A therapist should bring much more to the table. You are expending considerable time and effort, and you, or your insurance company, are spending considerable money for expertise and objectivity.  Your therapist then must take into account that at some point in your life you made an important decision and commitment, presumably for good reasons.  If you are now changing your mind and wanting to go where the grass is greener, the therapist must respect you enough to challenge your decision making and question whether this desire is coming from a position of strength and clear thinking or from a position of lust, weakness or despair.

Many therapists will support a client’s view that their spouse is bad or dangerous, without having met the spouse.  My thirty plus years of experience with couples suggests that, after hearing of a particularly monstrous situation the reality, when I meet the spouse, is very different.  In most troubled marriages, the couple has formed a bad contract in which they disengage and then begin to irritate each other. When you hear to one partner’s story the other person sounds terrible and as a couple they look very unhealthy together.  Actually in most areas of their lives they are often kind, competent and pleasant people trying to do the best they can.

Not every marriage is meant to be saved.  There are situations where a marriage has become intolerable or dangerous to one or both of the partners.  In such cases staying together “for the children” is not usually a viable answer.  However, your commitment to each other deserves to be evaluated fully.  This is particularly valuable in that most partners wanting to leave a marriage are trying to heal something in themselves.  They may be under the delusion that by leaving a spouse or trading to another partner, they will heal something inside.  This rarely works.  If they don’t learn and grow from this experience, they are very likely to repeat these same personal errors in the next relationship (and perhaps the next several relationships).

Furthermore, your therapist should understand, and warn you, that when affected by the biological upheaval of anger, pain, fear or lust, your objective reasoning, including your ability to rationally consider the consequences of your actions, is defective.  When affected by such powerful emotions, we also tend to be less creative and to narrow our scope of options.  It is incumbent on therapists to assist their clients in exploring the range of possibilities, rather than to support them in grasping at dramatic and often misdirected methods of relief. That is, methods which do not require the client to take responsibility for self-evaluation and growth.  In my opinion, when a therapist simply supports you with the idea that you should do what makes you happy, they are doing you a gross disservice.

Couples most often wait far too long before seeking help and indeed by the time they finally reach out, so much damage may have occurred that they themselves are convinced and therefore are prone to convince an individual therapist that there is no hope.  This is rarely true but extremely seductive.  A skilled therapist will help you expand your views of one another and of your own ability to make yourself happier.  Therein lies the true treatment.  No one person can make another person truly happy.  The common myth that there is one person out there who will heal you and take charge of your happiness is at the root of most divorce. When therapists buy into this myth and support you in simply leaving a marriage they are only helping you delay that inevitable reckoning when you discover that ultimately you have to make yourself happy.  The sooner you learn this, the sooner you can explore how it is that you and your spouse have fallen out of habit of asking each other for help in your pursuits of happiness and where resistance to one another has developed.  Only then can you get healthier and really examine whether you and your spouse can be good together again or not.

So what does it all mean?  You should expect your therapist to challenge your thoughts about your experience and to explore alternative explanations and possibilities.  If you are positive that you need to exit your marriage, you should still seek a marital evaluation.  If you are sure you want out, you may view this merely as an extended evaluation and preparation for a better parting than might otherwise be possible.  You should explore how you reached this point and whether you can forgive each other. Forgiveness may allow you to stay together or it may make it easier to move on in the healthiest manner. Finally, the goal of this work should be to make you stronger and better prepare you for future relationships.