Coming Home: The art of rejoining

Picture this. A guy has been on the road for over a week and his wife agreed that she would meet him at the airport with their children, so the kids could see their father and enjoy looking at the planes.  It’s a great plan and they both look forward to it. As the magic time arrives, each is feeling more and more excited about seeing each other. However, as both feel tired and stressed, some old worries kick in.  He wonders if she appreciates how seriously he takes his work and other responsibilities.   She wonders if she looks as old and worn out as she feels.

As they first see each other at the terminal, they experience a rush of excitement, combined with some of these old worries.  They might detect hesitation in each other and tension builds in them.  Perhaps, on the way back to the car, one asks a simple question. She inquires whether he visited any good restaurants while he was gone.  His sharp response, “I’m not just having fun on these trips you know,” takes her completely by surprise.  In turn, when he asks about whether the kids have torn the house apart, she hears a criticism of her as a bad housekeeper or a permissive, out-of-control mother.  They are not even out of the airport and both are hurt and disappointed.

We grow up with images of wonderful homecomings. Some of these images come from religious parables, some from holiday stories, movies, television commercials or other imagery.  In selling anything from perfume to coffee advertisers understand that the rejoining of two people after an absence has magical, magnetic qualities. The view of a joyous welcoming is just that satisfying. You can probably conjure up a lovely homecoming fantasy right this moment.

Whether it’s returning from a military deployment, a long trip, or just from work at the end of a hard day, we all have visions of what a homecoming should look like.  The actual experience, however, doesn’t always live up to those expectations.  When disappointments occur, partners are prone to make guesses as to why the welcome is not what they expected. In a heightened state of arousal, when humans guess, we go to the most negative assumptions.  This is not only distressing but also harmful to relationships.

In reality life often throws up roadblocks in these perfect scenarios. Soldiers come home to wives or husbands who have developed new skills and are more independent, and to a family that has had to function without them.  Our returning soldiers must redevelop their roles in their family, understanding that the people on the home front continued to have experiences, grow and learn to do things without relying on the absent soldier. Rules and roles have changed.

Similarly, exhausted business travelers return, perhaps with dreams of being welcomed as heroes, who have worked long hours, fought the good fight, existed in hotel rooms and dealt with numerous customers/colleagues.  They might instead find an exhausted spouse who has managed his or her own job, the kids and the household, and who is a little jealous of the restaurant meals and the isolation of a hotel room the traveler has “enjoyed”.  The traveler may be overjoyed to be home, with expectations of a happy and perhaps romantic reunion.  The partner may have similar wishes but may also feel exhausted and hope for relief from the daily grind or even need a little less human contact for a bit.  Through no intention of harm, both partners feel disappointed and resentful as their hopes are squashed.  They may just be tired or scared.

Finally, even in the mundane, everyday world of work, we may have memories of the partner being excited to see us at the end of the day earlier in the relationship. However, as the relationship matures, the joyous reunion is not always a reality.  Again, life intrudes.  Work, kids, physical problems, neighbors, etc., conspire to take the focus off of each other. You return home at the end of a long day with a goal of a friendly reunion and a little rest, and are met instead with the kid’s bad behavior, or a missed bill, plumbing malfunction, or shopping assignment.  Sometimes life sucks!

It is common for couples to make logical errors and to lose connection with each other during the reentry process. Therefore, those brief moments when they first come into contact, are critical.  They say one only has 7 seconds to make a first impression.  Couples are very aware of each other’s moods, postures, etc and so you might reduce that first impression thing down to less than a second.  The partners cannot fool each other, by just pretending that the exhaustion, resentment, or other bad feelings, are not there and so honesty is the best policy.

When important needs are denied, such as the need for a welcoming partner and a relaxed environment, or a returning energetic and attentive spouse, couples need to be able to grieve together and this also requires sharing information. Such needs are not childish or a sign of being overly needy. The need for human comfort from a partner is as critical as food when one is depleted from life’s many demands.  Therefore we must not feel ashamed or simply swallow our anger when reunions go poorly. Rather, we need to help each other understand what is happening.

Rather than trying to pretend that they are totally into the reunion, while secretly feeling exhausted and even perhaps worried about additional demands or expectations, it would be best to acknowledge being tired or overwhelmed, reminding the partner that it is not personal and then planning for how they might make this better together.  Notice that this is not simply an excuse for not paying attention to each other. Rather, it is reassurance that each is cared for and an opportunity to plan together how to make this better as soon as possible.

When greeting each other after a brief or extended separation, if you are exhausted, worried, etc, let your partner know that directly and then plan with them how you will get reconnected. This will relieve a lot of tension and guesswork.

Mixing family with business can complicate relationships

I became interested in family businesses at an early age.

My first real job was as a stock boy at a local second-generation grocery store, owned and operated by two brothers and their wives. By the time I worked at the store, from age 14-17, there was considerable tension among the owners and you could tell pretty much how your shift was going to go by which partner was present and whether there had been any recent flare-ups. 

It was never boring.

Family businesses account for the majority of businesses in America, and yet fewer than one-third of these survive to a second generation. There are exciting examples of fantastic successes, as well as disastrous tales where both the business and the family relationships were destroyed.

The complexities of running a family business offer fascinating puzzles for an owner, therapist or organizational consultant. They can also provide some lessons for people who have not considered opening their own business, as you may see some similarities between running a family business and managing your own family.

Among the numerous challenges with family-owned businesses are issues of fairness and values and the failure of founders to create and adhere to clear succession plans. But perhaps the most pervasive problems occur in not clearly distinguishing between personal and business layers when facing a given issue – not unlike many of the routine “business” decisions most couples face on a daily basis.

The subject reminds me of the old Smothers Brothers comedy duo, who would typically sing a song or tell a story only to quickly devolve into arguing. Suddenly Tommy would erupt angrily, with the phrase, “Mom always liked you best,” which, of course, had nothing to do with their discussion or the song they were trying to get through. 

Certainly most personal conflicts within family businesses aren’t so blatant, but the personal dynamics among family members can be plenty confusing.

Running a business together while maintaining an intimate relationship – described in my profession’s literature as copreneurs – is a frequent subject in marriage counseling. The even broader issue of incorporating adult children and other family members into a business offers both rich opportunities and dangers. 

I have often seen these issues as an administrator, consultant and family therapist. But they became more meaningful to me after I left a multispecialty medical setting and ventured into opening my clinical practice, relying on the help of my wife and son, as well as the support of numerous friends.

One young married couple I worked with – we’ll call them Matt and Susan – struggled with balancing the needs of the business against the needs of the family.

Matt had primary management responsibilities with the business, and when he suggested investing additional funds in marketing, he was surprised to see his wife explode. This investment had made perfect sense to him in terms of their goals, but Susan felt he seemed to have time and money for everything but her and the children.

Susan complained about him never being home, never asking her out, missing important events for the children, and now he had the audacity to want to invest even more into the business.

While it would be unwise to make a business decision based on their home life, it would be more unwise to ignore the potential distancing in their relationship. The trick is to know which part of the problem they were addressing at any given point. Blending them into one subject can make both partners feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

Such issues of fairness, respect and attention in the marriage may prevent family members from feeling fully allied as business partners, and this will affect engagement and critical business decisions. Similarly, in the second generation of a business family, issues of favoritism, fairness, competition and loyalty can disrupt choosing a future management structure that is best for the business. 

As the business continues to develop and to involve more family members, these issues will be compounded. If the management team thinks they are strictly dealing with a business decision, but festering frustration and resentments go unaddressed, the danger of failure – both personal and professional – is high.

It takes strength and resolve to make a family business endure, but I hope that all of us remember the importance of family businesses and try to patronize them as much as possible.

The family business is a staple of the economy, and the family and community have a tremendous investment in each other. The founders and family members generally have personal connections within the community that far outweigh mere business relationships.

A large part of the success of the business may even be found in the personal connection of the family name to the service or product.

If you are part of a family-owned business that needs help separating the personal from the professional, there is plenty of help available through educational, state and private organizations, along with a wealth of books, journals and articles dedicated to this subject. Couples and family members are often simply too close to the problem and need to involve outside consultation to help define and organize the variety of issues affecting a business impasse. 

Attending to relationships and engagement is important to any organization, but it’s absolutely necessary to a successful family endeavor.

Family culture and holiday rituals

Here it comes, the holiday season, filled with portents of delight and/or dread. Families are small cultures, steeped in common, as well as idiosyncratic and strange, rituals.  Some of these traditions may be clearly defined, anticipated and apparent to all.  We always have a large turkey dinner on Thanksgiving and then watch football with most of us falling asleep off and on.  Others may be predictable but not really verbalized or recognized as a ritual.  Every Thanksgiving Uncle Bill and Aunt Jane have a little too much to drink and behave poorly which irritates Mom, and then Mom and Dad have an argument after everyone leaves.

 

Many of our rituals are time honored and delightful.  Perhaps you always join with your relatives in early morning Black Friday shopping and the rush, as you elbow your way into a store at 5:00 a.m., is something you truly live for.  Maybe your family delights in singing together on some special occasions. Maybe each year you pursue a larger Christmas tree or attempt to compete in making the newest or most elaborate dish.  Or is there a time when the extended family gathers and retells old family stories? 

 

The point is that we eventually form our own family and not all of the traditions we grew up loving, or at least enduring, will fit well with our partner’s expectations.  Our union with a person from a different family, must incorporate two tribal traditions, plus leave room for our own ideas of what makes for a great celebration.  Danger only evolves when partners move from negotiating their new roles and traditions and slide into a stance of defending themselves and their families and attacking the partner.  When this occurs, it is no longer a matter of choosing your favorite aspects of a celebration but instead turns to a highly personalized testament to whose family is “right”.

 

This will sometimes lead to escalating attack-defend behavior which cannot in any way provide either partner with new creative ideas of how they as a couple will now celebrate a given holiday.  When the above scenario occurs, the couple may attempt some kind of negotiation that is unsatisfying to both.  We might try alternating years.  On even numbered years we will hold a party in my family’s tradition and on odd years (coincidence fully intended) we will do it your family’s way.  We also know that, on our partner’s year, we will make disparaging comments or at least disapproving looks throughout the preparations and events in order to remind him or her that we are doing this against our better judgment and knowledge of how holidays are really meant to be celebrated.

 

If you have been caught in such disagreements, despair not.  It’s normal.  Such traditions, or lack of traditions, strike at a very deep part of your being.  These events or customs usually begin before you are even able to make sense of them.  You simply learn that on these days your family always behaves in this way.  And when these events don’t happen, even for good reason or when you weren’t that fond of them in the first place, you will likely feel some discomfort or anxiety.

 

 I have worked with people whose family had no positive holiday traditions and although they might think that such traditions would be nice, would then feel very uncomfortable with their partner’s families at such times. They felt completely out of place as they had no primitive memory of why these events should hold such power and delight.  It was not that they necessarily thought the partner’s family was wrong, but they had no internal connection to the practice and so it felt wrong.

 

If you can step back from the idea that one of your family’s traditions is wrong, you have an opportunity to explore what this behavior truly means to you.  I can certainly think of family traditions that I simply assumed were normal, while growing up and through the early years of adulthood, which now seem either unimportant or even negative.  However, what remains a valuable memory of those days was the entire family gathering in the kitchen, and that as each family member arrived from near far, the kitchen became more densely packed, loud and joyful.  Probably like most people, I still gravitate toward the kitchen at gatherings and although you might suspect that it’s due to the proximity to food, it’s also because, for me, that is the most natural place in the world to gather.  And, as with cooks all over the world, it probably drove my mother up the wall.

 

William Shakespeare’s Hamlet suggests, “for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”.   It is the same for family traditions.  There is nothing good or bad as long as it does no one any harm. You will never convince your partner that their traditions are useless or silly.  It is much like trying to convince someone that they should like your favorite song.  You can only explore how to fully engage with and protect each other at special times and, in so doing, to form your own private rituals.  Have great holidays!

Emptying the Nest

It’s happening again. Graduation parties and celebrations all over Verona remind us both of great accomplishments for the students and life-altering changes for them and their families.

Your family may be facing a major rite of passage.  Your children are finishing High School and preparing to leave for college, entering the military or pursuing other adventures.  Or perhaps, you are reminded of this coming change by the selection of colleges and other rituals already occurring in the third year of High School of this rapidly approaching transition.  Hopefully this also reminds you of how fast time goes and that you have this opportunity to prepare yourselves and your children for the changes you are all facing, as a family.  Perhaps you still have the summer to prepare.

I remember when my son left home for college.  Actually, it starts before that doesn’t it. There are many markers along the way through those High School years to remind you that your children are growing up and preparing to leave.  One day he came into our room to ask me something and it struck me as he stood there filling in the doorway that there, where a little boy should have been, stood a man. Really though, I did not expect to have empty nest problems.  He seemed more than ready to take this next step and in some ways, I was ready to watch and admire him and to enjoy more time for myself and my wife.  It was harder than I expected and one particular evening remains in my memory.  We had just gotten home from work and grocery shopping and were putting things away when suddenly the house just felt too big. I suddenly felt almost overwhelmed with sadness and near panic.

Parents react to these life changes in many ways but sometimes they don’t talk about what all is going to happen to them and their children as a family, as individuals and as a couple.  This period may well be one of sadness but it can also be a time to regenerate your marriage.  Many couples have told me that they were a little ashamed that they actually kind of enjoyed the new freedom of not having to parent and to expand the romance in their marriage.  There’s nothing in that to be ashamed of.  This is a passage like many others and the ability to allow your child to enjoy their new freedom while you rekindle your friendship and affection with your partner is all good.

In the worst case a couple may have invested so much of themselves in raising kids, earning a living and managing a home that they have become somewhat disconnected.  One or both may be wondering what they will talk about or how they will interact when the child is no longer in the home and there is less managing to do.  For such couples, the child’s departure is a crisis point in which they either rebuild their intimacy or drift further apart.

Many families simply move forward as though this isn’t happening or that it won’t make any difference.  However, you know that any change in any collection of people, even one employee leaving a large office, creates enormous ripples throughout the group.  For many of us the loss of a pet creates an awful gap.  It’s clear then that children leaving, after you have raised them for eighteen years, takes something out of you and alters your home permanently.  You and your children will never be the same again.  This struck me when I was eighteen and was on a train to basic training in the Army.  It had just turned dinner time and it washed over me as I pictured my family setting down to dinner, that, by enlisting I had permanently, irrevocably changed my life and theirs, and that nothing would ever be the same.

Here are some questions to ask yourself.  As you plan for their departure over the coming weeks, do your children know your expectations, hopes and fears?  Do they know that they can talk to you about anything, and should contact you no matter what, particularly if they need your help?  Do they know what financial help they can and cannot expect from you?  Do they know that you will miss them terribly but also that you will be alright and will live your own life while they are living theirs?  Do they understand that they have the opportunity now to develop an adult relationship with you?  How does this change affect their siblings and how are you all talking about the change?

Meanwhile, have you and your spouse talked about the future?  Do you know what each of you is expecting or needing from the other?  Do you plan on dating more, having noisier sex or developing additional outside interests?  Will one of you need a bit more attention during the months following your child’s departure?  Does one of you have concerns or fears about your child or your relationship that you have not felt comfortable sharing with the other?

Many of the couples with whom I’ve worked over the years have struggled with facing large transitions and grieving losses together. Because everyone grieves differently, they may struggle with supporting each other in their discomfort and then negotiating the steps towards building the next stage in their relationship.  Don’t miss this opportunity to refashion a great relationship for the two of you and for your children!

(Note:  This article will also appear in the Verona Press soon.)