Recovering from infidelity: A rollercoaster with payoffs

Infidelity is traumatic for the betrayed and ultimately for the one who broke the trust.  In fact, the result of infidelity has been compared to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  Even apparently insignificant reminders of the affair will tend to stimulate intense feelings of pain, guilt and shame in both partners.  The betrayal and loss experienced upon discovering infidelity, changes forever your view of your lover, your relationship and yourself.  The person who committed the breach of faith, and who likely lied and manipulated in order to maintain the secret, now must live with that guilt and shame and somehow convince the partner of his or her recommitment to the relationship.

Because this traumatic loss runs so deeply, recovery requires the usual time and effort of any profound grief process.  It also requires that both partners participate in the healing.  There is no quick fix and no immediate apology or forgiveness that will repair the relationship.   This is an intense grief experience and we know that grief can take a very long time, not days or weeks, to overcome.

A betrayed partner will need to ask a lot of questions and while the answers may not always provide relief, this discussion is absolutely critical.  They must know that this is important enough to the partner to talk about and be heard on.  If it’s not that important then there can be no forgiveness and no recovery.   Their minds will be preoccupied with the imagery of the infidelity and the thought that on a number of occasions, their lover chose someone else over their relationship.  It’s never that simple, but it certainly feels that way.   As they try to understand what has happened they will repeat some questions over and over, both because repetition is a normal stress reaction and because they aren’t sure they can ever believe the answers.  It is likely that the convoluted stories that have evolved during and after the affair are so confusing that indeed, they don’t know what to believe.

This takes us to another reason for this exploration. During the course of the affair and after finding out about it, the betrayed partner may experience numerous self-doubts.  I have heard questions such as why the affair partner was more attractive to the lover than they.  They ask why they were not important enough to the spouse. They also may question their own thinking for having not noticed or having ignored the signs of the affair.  Some describe feeling like they were just being too suspicious or having bizarre thinking until they found out the truth.

Meanwhile, this discussion will be avoided by the offending partner.  The one who cheats will not be able to come up with anything that makes the affair sound reasonable and will begin to question their own judgment as reality kicks in.

The bad news is that according to surveys more than 20% of marriages are affected by infidelity, and that number may be low due to problems with reporting.  Here’s the good news.  If both partners are serious about recommitting to the relationship and actively work on rebuilding trust they have an excellent chance of having a great relationship again. It will not be the same relationship they had before the affair.  It may even be better in that they will have to work extra hard on taking risks, being honest, and paying attention to each other.

I know this is brief and in fact there are a number of excellent books on this subject.  I would recommend  Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and  After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You, both by Janis Abrahms Spring as well as the chapter on infidelity in my own book Reptiles in Love.

In the meantime, I would offer a few basic steps in recovering from infidelity:

1. Talk about it.  You may be doubtful as to how this can bring you closer but you’ll need to hang in there.  Be prepared to ask questions if you are the offended partner and be prepared to strive for honesty if you are the perp.
2. Be honest with yourself.  Are you blaming your actions on your partner or on the affair partner?  How did you make the series of decisions that led you down this path?
3. Don’t expect this to be over right away. It takes time and you will never forget it but the affair will lose its power over you as you redevelop your intimacy and affection for one another.
4. Early on the offending partner will be well advised to be highly accountable to the other partner. If you are going to be five minutes late CALL!  You may have no ill intent, and you probably cannot misbehave in five minutes. However, from your partner’s stand point that is five minutes of worrying and possibly feeling reinjured and angry.  In terms of anxiety and worry five minutes is a lifetime and this is simply not worth the price you both pay.  CALL!
5. As you engage in minor acts of affection and trust building you may find that you feel closer.  You may have moments when you feel very close again only to suddenly feel anxious or angry again.  Don’t worry. This is normal and it’s worth talking about it.  It is normal to ride a bit of a roller coaster after a betrayal and your mind and body may send off alarm signals when you start feeling very close and intimate again. Why this happens is a long story but it is normal and will get better.
6. Pay attention to your needs and talk about what works and what doesn’t.  Both of you need to now create a new relationship.
7. Before you get too frustrated and give up, get help!  Most people who have affairs end up regretting their actions. They realize that the friendship with their partner is worth saving and it is this friendship which needs to be rebuilt.  It is not enough to just promise to not cheat again.