Is marriage therapy worth it? The answer is Yes and No!

Many couples struggle with the question of whether marriage therapy is worthwhile. This question about the finances and time, also reflect the ambivalence they feel about improving their relationship.  Most partners are unsure whether they can change or not and whether there are possible negative consequences to trying.  When beginning therapy, one of the partners will often challenge whether therapy is really worth the time and money invested.

My answer would be “Yes and No.”  Allow me to clarify.

I want to specifically address the financial costs in this blog, because these days, we must all watch our spending closely. Most of us must carefully consider what any investment is meant to yield.  The average cost, of out-of-pocket payment, marital therapy with me is usually between $1500 and $2000, depending on the presenting issues and goals.  Is it worth that price to you?  Some would say that, compared to the enormous physical, financial and emotional toll of divorce, or compared to living in misery, this is cheap.

I take a different view of this.  It’s never enough, in my view, to simply avoid divorce.  Neither is it nearly enough to just try to end frequent fighting. Although merely reducing the fighting would at least make life a little easier for the two of you and your children, for a while, but it’s simply not enough!

If your goal were simply to stay together and negotiate a kind of truce in your marriage, then I would suggest therapy is not worth the cost. Such an agreement just to stop doing further harm might be a good idea for a period of time, but such agreements are not very fulfilling and they don’t last.  There are many books which might help with this kind of contract to be nicer to each other or a life coach might be able to help you with this negotiation. This agreement, however, will not be very satisfying and is likely to fail.

But perhaps you can imagine a more fulfilling goal, such as coming home to a partner who is truly glad to see you, sharing time with someone who values you and your efforts and with whom you create a sanctuary from the many “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” If you would like to experience increased playfulness in your day-to-day experiences and greater joy in physical intimacy and sex and if you can imagine the pride and pleasure of building a true partnership and romance with the most important person in your life, then it would seem to me that the price of therapy is an incredible bargain.

Now if you can honestly answer that the above paragraph summarizes your goals, then I would suggest that you find a therapist who specializes in the complex art/science of relationship/marriage therapy and get to work.  I can tell you that the most common responses I have seen in my work are relief and regret.  Relief that the couple could get back on track with each other and regret that they had wasted so much time, energy and money pursuing frustrating battles and joyless escapes for so long. These people discovered the joy of reigniting connection and passion. They feel younger and more alive as they are adding to or rebuilding a healthy relationship.

Clearly, there are no guarantees in therapy. However, you will find that early in the evaluation process, you will have some idea whether you have a good connection and working relationship with the therapist.  Shortly after that you will already be noticing improvement and feeling more hopeful.  If not, you need to reevaluate whether the therapist or the current process is right for you. In order to safeguard that you are truly investing appropriately, pay attention to this. If you are not feeling like things are moving, let your therapist know this and seek corrective action. It may be that this means simply changing directions a bit and revisiting your goals or you may need a different therapist and your current therapist can help with that transition.

This could easily be the most important transition in your life, one which holds implications for how well you will live for years to come. It is not to be taken lightly and should be seen as an important investment in your future.  This goal then is well worth the time, money and effort because it likely means a better, longer and more fulfilling life.

How do people stay sexy as they age?

I want to tell you something.  Contrary to the too often espoused belief that it is natural to get too old for sex, all the evidence suggests that people stay sexually active into their 80’s or more.  Does this mean that they are as turned on as they were when they were 20?  Probably not, but it does mean that they remain interested and periodically make love.  So how do they do that?  When it’s reported that one in five marriages are virtually sexless, how is it that some people maintain an active sex life throughout their marriage.  I’ll tell you their secret.

First of all, let’s talk about why people stop having sex.  I believe it is largely because they are responding to harmful mythologies about intimacy.  Most of us carry around some of these mythologies with us. We believe that there are people who are really good at sex and others who are not, for example, and we fear that we fall into the latter category.  If you believe that you have to be proficient or exceptional in lovemaking in order to please your partner, you will likely become less and less interested in intimacy.

Perhaps we worry about our physical appearance, our lovemaking style and most of all, whether we will perform adequately and reach the desired conclusion. The desired but mythological conclusion might include non-stop, multiple, bedroom-damaging orgasms.  We may even have mistaken ideas about how these magical orgasms should occur. For example, surveys have shown that women tend to believe that they should be able to reach orgasm through penetration alone and without additional stimulation or lubrication.  This sets the bar extremely high, and here’s the kicker, the more anxious you are about these performance issues, the less likely it is for you to lubricate appropriately and to feel real pleasure during intercourse.

Men, of course, struggle with size and performance issues as well, and they often also have the idea that there is some skill or romantic prowess at which they are simply not proficient.  I have lost count of the number of men who have complained in my office that they are simply not the romantic or touchy-feely types.  They seem to think that romance is a mysterious language they never learned. However, at some point they elicited their partner’s interest and this remains possible.

Of course, the problem is that the more one focuses on performance and questions of whether he or she is “good enough” the less pleasure they experience.  When you focus on what feels really good and when touch is pleasing, you are more likely to be generous in offering pleasing touch to your partner.  It’s really not that challenging.  If you and your partner focus on pleasure rather than some ideal of sexual performance, you will likely enjoy each other.

So here is the secret.  I suspect that those couples that are still enjoying sex into their later years have attained a magical quality in their lovemaking.  They like each other.

Such couples may have also learned very early on that sex means paying attention to their own and their partner’s bodies.  They have discovered that sex isn’t always perfect and it doesn’t have to be. Once in a while, one of them gets distracted.  He loses his erection. She starts to worry about the grandkids.  Whatever it is, they don’t see this as a lack of affection or as a failure, and with this understanding, they simply assume that they will again touch each other and play together and they will have their chance next time.

Is sex necessary in marriage?

What was your immediate reaction to the question?  Now, as we approach Valentine’s Day and people speak of romance and commitment, a discussion about sex seems in order.  “Is sex necessary” is, in fact, the wrong question.”

What is necessary to a satisfying relationship is a sense that your partner cares about you and wants you to be happy.  When two people genuinely want the best for each other, and trust that this is true, physical intimacy is negotiable and, hopefully, mutually enjoyable, and yields tremendous health benefits.

No two partners always desire sex at the same frequency and with the same intensity, but if they truly care about each other, these differences are workable.  Perhaps they need help with the negotiations but that is just due to communication issues and the tension of this particular subject, not due to a lack of caring or affection.

Picture the case where a spouse says, “I don’t care for sex and I don’t care about my partner’s needs” or when one says, “I need sex and I don’t care about my partner’s concerns.”  In both cases, they are saying much more about the relationship to the partner than about their attitude towards sex.  It is this sense of not being cared about that will ultimately murder the relationship, not just the lack or overage of sex.  It has been my experience that couples who do sound like they are saying they don’t care are actually saying that they have no idea of how to talk about this safely and productively.

Most of us have never learned to talk about sexual needs or concerns openly.  Therefore a lot of guessing and sometimes worrying occurs.  People doubt about their skills, attractiveness, safety, masculinity/femininity and a host of other concerns but struggle with making these fears and concerns known to one another.  This requires tremendous trust and willingness to be vulnerable.  In a sense this is truly getting naked at an emotional level.

As couples experience distance and tension rises they may be tempted to argue about frequency or performance in sex.  We don’t do it often enough.  Why don’t you reach orgasm?  These topics keep them away from a much more valuable discussion of pleasure and enjoyment of each other.

If you are struggling over sex you can make the most progress by backing up the discussion to the question of when and how you most enjoy being together.  Then move forward to how this breaks down around physical intimacy.  No outsider can tell you how or how often you should enjoy physical closeness. Only you can determine what is right for your physical and emotional well-being, and whether you are committed to having a close relationship.

As you consider these issues, you may wish to read about sexual issues together and if you comment or email me, I will be happy to send you some references.  You may need help from a therapist, skilled in relational issues, to help you if you get stuck in these discussions.  However, often just knowing that you are concerned and want to improve your relationship, will already provide your partner with some relief.