Postponement: “I’ll get back to you on our marriage.”

“Just wait until …….. happens.  Things will be better then.”  We’ve probably all said or thought something of this sort, at some point in our lives.  It’s actually great fun to look forward to good things. In fact our bodies are more positively turned on by the anticipation of an event than by the actual event or reward itself.

Ah, but what if you put off important needs or changes with the idea that things will just get better on their own?  Herein lies the problem for many people, particularly in the area of intimate relationships.  By the time you have reached your other goals, considerable damage is done.  Your partner may even perceive this damage as irreversible. However, there is so much you can do and it’s not that difficult.

Postponement is the process of telling yourself that your relationships will get better if you can just get over the next hurdle. In this pattern you may say that you simply don’t have time to relax, spend time with children or your spouse, or focus on relationships but it will all get better when you graduate, get your first job, get a promotion, move to a new city, get another promotion, or retire.  For many, this becomes a powerful pattern in which they truly go through each of these steps, plus the parallel steps of waiting for the children to get a little older, start school, go to high school, leave home, or start their own families, always thinking that at that next stage, you will really be able to enjoy your children and each other.

This is terribly seductive because, indeed, there is logical, rational support for the idea that life could be better with that next accomplishment. The problem for couples is such positive events rarely repair issues such as disappointments and distance that have built up throughout the period of waiting.  Furthermore, the joy from such successes is said to only last three months on average.  That means there is only a 90 day window of positive feeling before you go-getters are already setting your sights on the next accomplishment or developmental stage; not much time to repair damage to a relationship.

I have a recommendation.  First, can you imagine taking your next step, in a prescribed, targeted fashion, towards rebuilding your relationship … today?  Take a deep breath now because I already sense your resistance. You need to select one very specific way in which you are going to pay a little more attention to your relationship.   Keep it small, specific and easy, but your partner should be able to clearly see that you are trying to be closer or more romantic, in your own way.

Perhaps you want to say that you’re no good at that romance stuff.  Or maybe you would suggest that your partner is so angry and disappointed that it seems like it’s too late.  You might even feel so disappointed that your successes don’t seem to be honored by your partner that you are not even sure you want to be positive towards them.  You’ve worked so hard and nothing seems to be good enough for him/her. Take one more deep breath and let’s get started.

You don’t have to change your personality or become an overnight romantic to improve your relationship.  You have many skills for paying attention to another person that you used when first dating and have since perhaps neglected.  Often, very busy people feel like they just can’t add one more thing to the list such as doing something fun with their spouse or just taking time for uninterrupted talk. However, these same people are typically wasting huge amounts of mental energy on feeling distant, resentful and ignored. This takes a toll on them and their partner and is most likely affecting their efficiency at work as well.

You may wish to start very small with your new goal. Try reminding yourself of one thing about your partner for which you are grateful, every single morning when you wake up. You need not tell him or her about this gratitude, even though there are obvious benefits to doing so. The goal here is simply to awaken a positive part of your brain and begin to reshape your attitude first thing in the morning.  It’s an added bonus if you choose to tell your partner of your positive thoughts.

Another option would be to develop a new way to manage one small daily event.  How you greet your partner when you wake up, how you leave for work or school or how you reenter the house at the end of the day are all possible places where you may have become too casual or negligent.  Enhancing these tiny moments may alter the rest of your day or evening.  These are also defined, measurable activities where you can experiment and see how they work for you and whether they are pleasing to your partner.

This latter point is critical.  The anxious brain will usually think in more general terms.  Partners will ask each other to be more attentive or pleasant or to spend more time but none of these are measurable.  It is often the case that a partner is trying to do better but is not sure what success would look like. Pretty soon the couple is arguing over whether one truly has spent more pleasant time with the other.  A goal to simply be “nicer” is not measurable and so, will lead to failure.

Remember, it is totally normal to assume that life will be better with the next accomplishment.  However, it is not the case that such events really change your relationship for the better.  Therefore, pay attention to your relationship and make repairs as you go.   You know that if you don’t maintain your vehicle or your home, the time and costs of repairing the damage are so much greater, than this preventive action would have cost.  Maintenance of your relationship will not only insure that you stay together, but that you are happy together which will lead to you being healthier and more efficient in all areas of your life.  I promise.