How do people stay sexy as they age?

I want to tell you something.  Contrary to the too often espoused belief that it is natural to get too old for sex, all the evidence suggests that people stay sexually active into their 80’s or more.  Does this mean that they are as turned on as they were when they were 20?  Probably not, but it does mean that they remain interested and periodically make love.  So how do they do that?  When it’s reported that one in five marriages are virtually sexless, how is it that some people maintain an active sex life throughout their marriage.  I’ll tell you their secret.

First of all, let’s talk about why people stop having sex.  I believe it is largely because they are responding to harmful mythologies about intimacy.  Most of us carry around some of these mythologies with us. We believe that there are people who are really good at sex and others who are not, for example, and we fear that we fall into the latter category.  If you believe that you have to be proficient or exceptional in lovemaking in order to please your partner, you will likely become less and less interested in intimacy.

Perhaps we worry about our physical appearance, our lovemaking style and most of all, whether we will perform adequately and reach the desired conclusion. The desired but mythological conclusion might include non-stop, multiple, bedroom-damaging orgasms.  We may even have mistaken ideas about how these magical orgasms should occur. For example, surveys have shown that women tend to believe that they should be able to reach orgasm through penetration alone and without additional stimulation or lubrication.  This sets the bar extremely high, and here’s the kicker, the more anxious you are about these performance issues, the less likely it is for you to lubricate appropriately and to feel real pleasure during intercourse.

Men, of course, struggle with size and performance issues as well, and they often also have the idea that there is some skill or romantic prowess at which they are simply not proficient.  I have lost count of the number of men who have complained in my office that they are simply not the romantic or touchy-feely types.  They seem to think that romance is a mysterious language they never learned. However, at some point they elicited their partner’s interest and this remains possible.

Of course, the problem is that the more one focuses on performance and questions of whether he or she is “good enough” the less pleasure they experience.  When you focus on what feels really good and when touch is pleasing, you are more likely to be generous in offering pleasing touch to your partner.  It’s really not that challenging.  If you and your partner focus on pleasure rather than some ideal of sexual performance, you will likely enjoy each other.

So here is the secret.  I suspect that those couples that are still enjoying sex into their later years have attained a magical quality in their lovemaking.  They like each other.

Such couples may have also learned very early on that sex means paying attention to their own and their partner’s bodies.  They have discovered that sex isn’t always perfect and it doesn’t have to be. Once in a while, one of them gets distracted.  He loses his erection. She starts to worry about the grandkids.  Whatever it is, they don’t see this as a lack of affection or as a failure, and with this understanding, they simply assume that they will again touch each other and play together and they will have their chance next time.

Is sex necessary in marriage?

What was your immediate reaction to the question?  Now, as we approach Valentine’s Day and people speak of romance and commitment, a discussion about sex seems in order.  “Is sex necessary” is, in fact, the wrong question.”

What is necessary to a satisfying relationship is a sense that your partner cares about you and wants you to be happy.  When two people genuinely want the best for each other, and trust that this is true, physical intimacy is negotiable and, hopefully, mutually enjoyable, and yields tremendous health benefits.

No two partners always desire sex at the same frequency and with the same intensity, but if they truly care about each other, these differences are workable.  Perhaps they need help with the negotiations but that is just due to communication issues and the tension of this particular subject, not due to a lack of caring or affection.

Picture the case where a spouse says, “I don’t care for sex and I don’t care about my partner’s needs” or when one says, “I need sex and I don’t care about my partner’s concerns.”  In both cases, they are saying much more about the relationship to the partner than about their attitude towards sex.  It is this sense of not being cared about that will ultimately murder the relationship, not just the lack or overage of sex.  It has been my experience that couples who do sound like they are saying they don’t care are actually saying that they have no idea of how to talk about this safely and productively.

Most of us have never learned to talk about sexual needs or concerns openly.  Therefore a lot of guessing and sometimes worrying occurs.  People doubt about their skills, attractiveness, safety, masculinity/femininity and a host of other concerns but struggle with making these fears and concerns known to one another.  This requires tremendous trust and willingness to be vulnerable.  In a sense this is truly getting naked at an emotional level.

As couples experience distance and tension rises they may be tempted to argue about frequency or performance in sex.  We don’t do it often enough.  Why don’t you reach orgasm?  These topics keep them away from a much more valuable discussion of pleasure and enjoyment of each other.

If you are struggling over sex you can make the most progress by backing up the discussion to the question of when and how you most enjoy being together.  Then move forward to how this breaks down around physical intimacy.  No outsider can tell you how or how often you should enjoy physical closeness. Only you can determine what is right for your physical and emotional well-being, and whether you are committed to having a close relationship.

As you consider these issues, you may wish to read about sexual issues together and if you comment or email me, I will be happy to send you some references.  You may need help from a therapist, skilled in relational issues, to help you if you get stuck in these discussions.  However, often just knowing that you are concerned and want to improve your relationship, will already provide your partner with some relief.