Is marriage therapy worth it? The answer is Yes and No!

Many couples struggle with the question of whether marriage therapy is worthwhile. This question about the finances and time, also reflect the ambivalence they feel about improving their relationship.  Most partners are unsure whether they can change or not and whether there are possible negative consequences to trying.  When beginning therapy, one of the partners will often challenge whether therapy is really worth the time and money invested.

My answer would be “Yes and No.”  Allow me to clarify.

I want to specifically address the financial costs in this blog, because these days, we must all watch our spending closely. Most of us must carefully consider what any investment is meant to yield.  The average cost, of out-of-pocket payment, marital therapy with me is usually between $1500 and $2000, depending on the presenting issues and goals.  Is it worth that price to you?  Some would say that, compared to the enormous physical, financial and emotional toll of divorce, or compared to living in misery, this is cheap.

I take a different view of this.  It’s never enough, in my view, to simply avoid divorce.  Neither is it nearly enough to just try to end frequent fighting. Although merely reducing the fighting would at least make life a little easier for the two of you and your children, for a while, but it’s simply not enough!

If your goal were simply to stay together and negotiate a kind of truce in your marriage, then I would suggest therapy is not worth the cost. Such an agreement just to stop doing further harm might be a good idea for a period of time, but such agreements are not very fulfilling and they don’t last.  There are many books which might help with this kind of contract to be nicer to each other or a life coach might be able to help you with this negotiation. This agreement, however, will not be very satisfying and is likely to fail.

But perhaps you can imagine a more fulfilling goal, such as coming home to a partner who is truly glad to see you, sharing time with someone who values you and your efforts and with whom you create a sanctuary from the many “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” If you would like to experience increased playfulness in your day-to-day experiences and greater joy in physical intimacy and sex and if you can imagine the pride and pleasure of building a true partnership and romance with the most important person in your life, then it would seem to me that the price of therapy is an incredible bargain.

Now if you can honestly answer that the above paragraph summarizes your goals, then I would suggest that you find a therapist who specializes in the complex art/science of relationship/marriage therapy and get to work.  I can tell you that the most common responses I have seen in my work are relief and regret.  Relief that the couple could get back on track with each other and regret that they had wasted so much time, energy and money pursuing frustrating battles and joyless escapes for so long. These people discovered the joy of reigniting connection and passion. They feel younger and more alive as they are adding to or rebuilding a healthy relationship.

Clearly, there are no guarantees in therapy. However, you will find that early in the evaluation process, you will have some idea whether you have a good connection and working relationship with the therapist.  Shortly after that you will already be noticing improvement and feeling more hopeful.  If not, you need to reevaluate whether the therapist or the current process is right for you. In order to safeguard that you are truly investing appropriately, pay attention to this. If you are not feeling like things are moving, let your therapist know this and seek corrective action. It may be that this means simply changing directions a bit and revisiting your goals or you may need a different therapist and your current therapist can help with that transition.

This could easily be the most important transition in your life, one which holds implications for how well you will live for years to come. It is not to be taken lightly and should be seen as an important investment in your future.  This goal then is well worth the time, money and effort because it likely means a better, longer and more fulfilling life.

Couples therapy: Does frequency of visits matter?

What is the most frequent error in pursuing couples therapy?  I believe it is the tendency to spread out sessions.  This may be to save money, or to spread out the impact on busy schedules, or because the therapist has limited availability.  In any case, it is my experience that this usually greatly damages the effectiveness of the work and therefore endangers your relationship.

If I had to choose between meeting with a couple for ten sessions, in short intervals or 30 sessions, spread further out, I would almost always recommend the ten sessions at least weekly.  This is very important, so please pay attention.

Relationship therapy is not about just being nicer to each other.  Neither is it about having a counselor/mediator walk you through each possible fight in order to find better solutions.  Either of these will be ineffective.   Things also don’t generally improve through one of the partners thinking deeply about the relationship and coming to some eureka moment.

Relationship work should instead facilitate the two of you changing your brains.  Sound huge?  It is, and yet it is fairly simple and straightforward.  You need to override primitive ways of defending yourselves in order to allow your best thinking to occur.  Face it, aren’t you usually able to treat total strangers with greater kindness than you show to those closest to you?   That isn’t because you don’t care.  It’s because they are too close and too important to you and arouse more anxiety in you than any stranger ever could.

Therapy is about changing patterns and breaking through old destructive rituals, rituals in which you fight in ways that you absolutely know will never get you what you want or need.  This repair occurs through carefully structuring a new set of responses to one another and then practicing them over and over.  It means building trust through this practice so that as you see your own skills grow, you see your partner trying to respond differently as well.

In this process, spreading out the sessions, allows more time for errors and sliding back into old behaviors.  In this pattern, even small errors will feel like defeats or betrayals.  After a longer gap, partners will often say, “look, things were going much better and then he did the same thing he always does and I just felt like giving up.”  You might think of this very much like physical therapy.  If, after an injury, you don’t follow up with the prescribed physical therapy sessions or only go every now and then, your muscles will not improve in the way they would have, had you gone regularly.

In past blogs, I have provided information about choosing a marriage/relationship therapist.  I have suggested finding someone who has been trained in marital work, sees this as a primary skill and interest and someone with whom you feel a good working bond.  Next, ask the therapist about their approach and how it fits with your relationship and your goals.  Finally ask how often they want to and can meet with you.  Intensive therapy leads to rapid results and is much more cost-effective than long drawn out treatments.