Coming Home: The art of rejoining

Picture this. A guy has been on the road for over a week and his wife agreed that she would meet him at the airport with their children, so the kids could see their father and enjoy looking at the planes.  It’s a great plan and they both look forward to it. As the magic time arrives, each is feeling more and more excited about seeing each other. However, as both feel tired and stressed, some old worries kick in.  He wonders if she appreciates how seriously he takes his work and other responsibilities.   She wonders if she looks as old and worn out as she feels.

As they first see each other at the terminal, they experience a rush of excitement, combined with some of these old worries.  They might detect hesitation in each other and tension builds in them.  Perhaps, on the way back to the car, one asks a simple question. She inquires whether he visited any good restaurants while he was gone.  His sharp response, “I’m not just having fun on these trips you know,” takes her completely by surprise.  In turn, when he asks about whether the kids have torn the house apart, she hears a criticism of her as a bad housekeeper or a permissive, out-of-control mother.  They are not even out of the airport and both are hurt and disappointed.

We grow up with images of wonderful homecomings. Some of these images come from religious parables, some from holiday stories, movies, television commercials or other imagery.  In selling anything from perfume to coffee advertisers understand that the rejoining of two people after an absence has magical, magnetic qualities. The view of a joyous welcoming is just that satisfying. You can probably conjure up a lovely homecoming fantasy right this moment.

Whether it’s returning from a military deployment, a long trip, or just from work at the end of a hard day, we all have visions of what a homecoming should look like.  The actual experience, however, doesn’t always live up to those expectations.  When disappointments occur, partners are prone to make guesses as to why the welcome is not what they expected. In a heightened state of arousal, when humans guess, we go to the most negative assumptions.  This is not only distressing but also harmful to relationships.

In reality life often throws up roadblocks in these perfect scenarios. Soldiers come home to wives or husbands who have developed new skills and are more independent, and to a family that has had to function without them.  Our returning soldiers must redevelop their roles in their family, understanding that the people on the home front continued to have experiences, grow and learn to do things without relying on the absent soldier. Rules and roles have changed.

Similarly, exhausted business travelers return, perhaps with dreams of being welcomed as heroes, who have worked long hours, fought the good fight, existed in hotel rooms and dealt with numerous customers/colleagues.  They might instead find an exhausted spouse who has managed his or her own job, the kids and the household, and who is a little jealous of the restaurant meals and the isolation of a hotel room the traveler has “enjoyed”.  The traveler may be overjoyed to be home, with expectations of a happy and perhaps romantic reunion.  The partner may have similar wishes but may also feel exhausted and hope for relief from the daily grind or even need a little less human contact for a bit.  Through no intention of harm, both partners feel disappointed and resentful as their hopes are squashed.  They may just be tired or scared.

Finally, even in the mundane, everyday world of work, we may have memories of the partner being excited to see us at the end of the day earlier in the relationship. However, as the relationship matures, the joyous reunion is not always a reality.  Again, life intrudes.  Work, kids, physical problems, neighbors, etc., conspire to take the focus off of each other. You return home at the end of a long day with a goal of a friendly reunion and a little rest, and are met instead with the kid’s bad behavior, or a missed bill, plumbing malfunction, or shopping assignment.  Sometimes life sucks!

It is common for couples to make logical errors and to lose connection with each other during the reentry process. Therefore, those brief moments when they first come into contact, are critical.  They say one only has 7 seconds to make a first impression.  Couples are very aware of each other’s moods, postures, etc and so you might reduce that first impression thing down to less than a second.  The partners cannot fool each other, by just pretending that the exhaustion, resentment, or other bad feelings, are not there and so honesty is the best policy.

When important needs are denied, such as the need for a welcoming partner and a relaxed environment, or a returning energetic and attentive spouse, couples need to be able to grieve together and this also requires sharing information. Such needs are not childish or a sign of being overly needy. The need for human comfort from a partner is as critical as food when one is depleted from life’s many demands.  Therefore we must not feel ashamed or simply swallow our anger when reunions go poorly. Rather, we need to help each other understand what is happening.

Rather than trying to pretend that they are totally into the reunion, while secretly feeling exhausted and even perhaps worried about additional demands or expectations, it would be best to acknowledge being tired or overwhelmed, reminding the partner that it is not personal and then planning for how they might make this better together.  Notice that this is not simply an excuse for not paying attention to each other. Rather, it is reassurance that each is cared for and an opportunity to plan together how to make this better as soon as possible.

When greeting each other after a brief or extended separation, if you are exhausted, worried, etc, let your partner know that directly and then plan with them how you will get reconnected. This will relieve a lot of tension and guesswork.