Is marriage therapy worth it? The answer is Yes and No!

Many couples struggle with the question of whether marriage therapy is worthwhile. This question about the finances and time, also reflect the ambivalence they feel about improving their relationship.  Most partners are unsure whether they can change or not and whether there are possible negative consequences to trying.  When beginning therapy, one of the partners will often challenge whether therapy is really worth the time and money invested.

My answer would be “Yes and No.”  Allow me to clarify.

I want to specifically address the financial costs in this blog, because these days, we must all watch our spending closely. Most of us must carefully consider what any investment is meant to yield.  The average cost, of out-of-pocket payment, marital therapy with me is usually between $1500 and $2000, depending on the presenting issues and goals.  Is it worth that price to you?  Some would say that, compared to the enormous physical, financial and emotional toll of divorce, or compared to living in misery, this is cheap.

I take a different view of this.  It’s never enough, in my view, to simply avoid divorce.  Neither is it nearly enough to just try to end frequent fighting. Although merely reducing the fighting would at least make life a little easier for the two of you and your children, for a while, but it’s simply not enough!

If your goal were simply to stay together and negotiate a kind of truce in your marriage, then I would suggest therapy is not worth the cost. Such an agreement just to stop doing further harm might be a good idea for a period of time, but such agreements are not very fulfilling and they don’t last.  There are many books which might help with this kind of contract to be nicer to each other or a life coach might be able to help you with this negotiation. This agreement, however, will not be very satisfying and is likely to fail.

But perhaps you can imagine a more fulfilling goal, such as coming home to a partner who is truly glad to see you, sharing time with someone who values you and your efforts and with whom you create a sanctuary from the many “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” If you would like to experience increased playfulness in your day-to-day experiences and greater joy in physical intimacy and sex and if you can imagine the pride and pleasure of building a true partnership and romance with the most important person in your life, then it would seem to me that the price of therapy is an incredible bargain.

Now if you can honestly answer that the above paragraph summarizes your goals, then I would suggest that you find a therapist who specializes in the complex art/science of relationship/marriage therapy and get to work.  I can tell you that the most common responses I have seen in my work are relief and regret.  Relief that the couple could get back on track with each other and regret that they had wasted so much time, energy and money pursuing frustrating battles and joyless escapes for so long. These people discovered the joy of reigniting connection and passion. They feel younger and more alive as they are adding to or rebuilding a healthy relationship.

Clearly, there are no guarantees in therapy. However, you will find that early in the evaluation process, you will have some idea whether you have a good connection and working relationship with the therapist.  Shortly after that you will already be noticing improvement and feeling more hopeful.  If not, you need to reevaluate whether the therapist or the current process is right for you. In order to safeguard that you are truly investing appropriately, pay attention to this. If you are not feeling like things are moving, let your therapist know this and seek corrective action. It may be that this means simply changing directions a bit and revisiting your goals or you may need a different therapist and your current therapist can help with that transition.

This could easily be the most important transition in your life, one which holds implications for how well you will live for years to come. It is not to be taken lightly and should be seen as an important investment in your future.  This goal then is well worth the time, money and effort because it likely means a better, longer and more fulfilling life.